If Only She Knew
by hann789
Summary: She rarely knew exactly what she wanted, how could she when her world was crashing down around her and everything she knew was being questioned. She'd never been so confused. JAM. Post-Casino night, slightly AU.
1. Under the Pale Blue Moon

**A/N: After a season 2 and 3 Office marathon yesterday, with my laptop close by, this story just sort of sprouted, really and so here it is. This is going to be a chapter story…that I have already decided. This is going to be a little different. Post-casino night. A slightly different take on the most heartbreaking episode. Hope you enjoy!**

**Thanks a whole bunch to my beta **_**ktface3**_** who took some time to fix numerous grammatical mistakes that I always seem to miss. Thanks!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Office. I'm a 21 year old, working full time. That's it.**

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Her heart was starting to race. Beads of perspiration were starting to rise to her forehead and her throat was losing moisture. She didn't know what to do. It had started out as friendly banter—joking and teasing like normal for their friendship—but then everything changed. His voice became soft, and it threw her off. She was sure she'd never heard him speak in such a way before. She wasn't sure she knew how to respond.

He was continuing to talk, his confession not ending.

"Probably not good timing, I know that, I just…"

She finally found her voice, "What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?"

She sounded much more abrupt than she meant to. But she was struggling. Stinking fast.

"I just needed you to know…once."

"Well, I um…I can't."

"Yeah," his voice dropped and so did his head. When he finally lifted it again she could see a tear brimming in the corner of his eye.

"You have no idea…"

"Don't do that."

"…what your friendship means to me." She was trying desperately to hold on to their unique friendship, even around his confession, but in her heart she knew that wasn't going to be possible.

"Come on, I don't want to do that," his voice was shaky and with those words her heart dropped. "I want to be more than that."

"I can't," she said again. The tear slipped over his bottom eyelid and started to course down his cheek. "I'm so sorry, if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault."

"It's not your fault," he said his eyes looking all around. Everywhere but on her. "I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship."

He was walking away and she was glued to the cement. She had just broken his heart. She knew that and it was killing her. She was still trying to figure out where that had come from. She probably should have saw it coming; the clues were there. Things that she had just seen as friendly exchanges now seemed intimate and special. Her heart was torn.

She did the only thing she could think of. Making her way up to the office was easy. Everyone was busy in the warehouse, so she snuck in quickly and quietly. Her feet found her at his desk and her fingers were dialing before she could even think about it.

"Hello?" her mother's voice answered overly cheery and Pam grimaced. She couldn't understand how anyone could be that cheery. Not on a night like this.

"Mom," Pam's voice came out in barely a whisper. "Mom, I need to talk to you."

"What is it Pam?" The tone in her mother's voice was different, softer as she came to realize that Pam was upset. "What is wrong? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine physically," Pam answered, "but emotionally…"

"What did Roy do sweetie?"

"Nothing," Pam answered honestly. "Roy doesn't have anything to do with this phone call mom."

Janet Beesly took a deep breath and waited for her daughter to continue. She was pleasantly surprised that her soon-to-be son-in-law wasn't the cause of conflict this particular night. Heaven knows how many times she'd had to listen to her daughter rant, cry and even scream about him over the years. She could only wonder now what caused this impromptu call from her oldest daughter.

"It's Jim."

"Jim? You mean your friend from work Jim?"

"Yeah," she answered with a sigh. "He… oh mom, he told me he was in love with me tonight."

Janet's eyes were open in complete shock. "When did this happen?"

"About ten minutes ago," Pam answered quietly.

"Did you say anything back to him?"

"No," Pam's voice was shaky, "I didn't know what to say."

"Pam honey, you're engaged."

"Yes I know."

"How do you feel about him?"

"I don't know mom," Pam told her, "he's my best friend."

"From everything you've told me about him he seems like a good guy."

"Yeah," Pam said with a small smile, "he's great."

"Are you in love with him too?"

"I…yeah, I think I am."

"Then you need to be honest with Roy…"

Pam heard her mom's words but was distracted by the squeak of the office door opening. Jim's tall form filled the doorway and she panicked.

"Mom, mom I've got to go."

"Call me later honey and do what you feel in your heart."

"Okay, I will. Bye."

Pam clicked the phone down just in time to turn around and run into Jim's chest. Her words were quiet and small.

"Listen Jim…"

But then his lips were on hers. Gently and lovingly pressing against her lips, begging for a response. She was quick to give one. Her arms found their way around his neck as she leaned into his kiss. It was intoxicating, all of it. The smell of his cologne, the feel of his sweater against her arm, the touch of his lips against hers, it was overwhelming her senses. Just as she was about to lean farther into his kiss he pulled away slightly and pressed his forehead to hers. A small grin graced his lips.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he said quietly, his voice raspy.

"Me too." The words escaped her mouth before she realized what she was saying. It really seemed as if the truth was revealed under the intoxication of his kiss. She quickly tried to cover it, "I think we're just drunk."

Jim's eyebrows furrowed together, "I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?"

She couldn't lie to him, "No."

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her again, but she gently pressed her hand to his chest. "Jim."

"You're really going to marry him?" It wasn't really a question and Pam wasn't really sure how to answer. Probably because she didn't even know the answer herself.

"I don't… I don't know Jim."

"Okay," he said with a sad tone to his voice, and his hands linked through hers for a split second and gave them a tight squeeze.

"Jim," Pam's voice was strained and she held on to his hands, afraid to let them go.

"No Pam," he said quietly, "I don't want to hear those words again, okay?"

"But Jim…"

"I can't do it Pam," Jim said and pulled his hands from hers. "If you tell me you can't again, I…"

"Jim I have to think about all of this," Pam told him, "I mean…this is a big, huge thing. And I need…"

"Time."

"Yeah, I need time."

Jim nodded as he took a step back. "I need to tell you something. I spoke with Jan last week about transferring branches."

Pam wasn't sure she had heard him right. "Transferring? You're transferring?"

"I didn't say I was," Jim answered quickly, "I had just thought about it. Made the first steps really."

"Where?"

"Stamford."

"Connecticut?"

"Yeah," Jim nodded. "I haven't made my final decision yet."

Pam took a deep breath and her hands wringed together nervously. This was the most awkward conversation they had ever had and she wasn't even sure what would come out of it. She wasn't even sure she knew what she _wanted_ to come out of it. Then again, she rarely knew exactly what she wanted.

"What, what will… how, I mean…"

"It's okay Pam," Jim said and shoved his hands deep into his pockets and rocked back onto his heels. "I guess…I mean whatever or however you answer will help make that decision."

"Jim…"

"That will be what the decision comes down to. I can't… stick around here anymore and just be friends…"

"Jim…"

"I have to give Jan an answer by Wednesday," Jim told her. "I have to go."

"Jim…"

"I know it isn't much time," Jim said, rubbing the back of his neck. "But it is all I can give right now. I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah," Pam answered with a nod of her head, "I'll talk to you later."

She watched his back as he disappeared behind the wood door to their office and sank down into his office chair. The tears spilled over onto her cheeks and she didn't bother to try and wipe them away. Her entire world was crashing down around her. Feelings she hadn't allowed herself to admit were bubbling up and she was powerless to stop them.

Then again, she really didn't want to. She sat in his chair and cried until her head hurt and no more tears would come. She looked down at her dress and stared at the tears stains that now peppered the silver-blue material. She wanted to draw some significant tie to the stains and her emotions, but nothing came to her mind. She was exhausted.

Roy had the truck and she was almost positive she was the last one in the building. That thought paralyzed her for a brief moment. She gingerly picked up the phone and dialed the local taxi company's number.

Twenty minutes later was she changing into her favorite sweat pants in the comfort of her bathroom. It was accompanied by a frown on her pink lips as she listened to Roy's incessant snoring coming from their bedroom.

This wasn't the life that she had planned on having. Being engaged for over three years now, unhappy, and not completely in love with her fiancé anymore. She hated admitting that really, she didn't want to be that girl, stuck in a life that was quickly going nowhere. But there was still something with Roy, a comfort that she couldn't just erase. She did love him, it just wasn't the same as it had been years before.

But could she forget a nearly ten-year courtship? Could she really turn her back on a man that she'd spent over a third of her life with? Did she want to?

What would happen if she did? A romance with him was something she'd dreamed about since the day he'd walked into the office. She was just afraid that reality wouldn't measure up to the dreams that had peppered her sleep.

She didn't know what she was going to do.

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**A/N: Um, well, I guess it is time for me to now beg for your reviews. I only feel really encouraged to update when I get reviews. But, who doesn't, you know? Okay, I'm going to quit rambling while you press the little purple button and fill in the box. Thanks!**


	2. Sickness Comes In All Forms

**A/N: Hello again fanfiction world! I've got another update here for you and I'm sort of surprised where I took it. It is almost as if the story took on a life of its own. This chapter has a bit of language and more 'mature' theme. (Some drinking and such.) Hope that doesn't offend anyone. Please review. I need to know what you are thinking, even if it isn't positive. **

**Thanks to my beta, Katie! I'm so grateful for you fixing all my many mistakes. Thanks!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own rights to the Office…maybe if I dream hard enough.**

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Jim hated being drunk. It was supposed to erase the pictures in his mind of curly auburn hair and bright green eyes, but all it seemed to do was magnify the memories. He hated that his mind worked against him. It always seemed to when it came to _her._

His head was starting to pound, the first sign he was re-entering sobriety, and so he attempted to rise from the couch on which he'd centered himself to grab another beer. It took him a few tries, but finally he was able to stumble into the kitchen and reached for another bottle. The twenty-pack he'd bought the day before was almost out.

He murmured a few curse words to himself and threw the can back into the fridge and pulled out instead a bottle of water.

"You're pathetic Halpert," he told himself and downed the water in only a few quick gulps. He set the empty bottle down on the counter and stared at the calendar that was there, mocking him.

"June tenth," he muttered harshly to himself and his empty apartment, "June fucking tenth."

She was marrying _him_ today. An ass-faced jerk in the form of her fiancé and the idea of it all was killing him. He could feel his heart breaking and quickly grabbed another bottle of beer to down before he let himself feel the pain he knew was there.

He couldn't believe that she was marrying him still. _Still._

Jim could still picture the night his life changed as clear as if he was reliving it every day. The weight of her lips against his, the smell of jasmine and vanilla from her hair, the way she'd whispered his name against his mouth, it was all as clear as if it was still happening.

Then she pulled away. Told him she didn't know what she wanted, she wasn't sure, and he'd left. He'd gone home and started packing, expecting the worse. And that is what he got.

She didn't show up to work on Monday or Tuesday and by Wednesday his desk was packed and he left first thing. He hadn't heard from her since. It had been four long weeks, going through work blindly and trying to forget everything about her.

He wished he could say it was working. But he'd be lying, and he knew that. Lying to everyone else was easy, but lying to himself? That was something he'd never been very good at. He had told her he'd talk to her later, but they hadn't. They didn't have a proper goodbye.

He then cut all ties to the Scranton Branch. He'd ignore the emails he received from anyone, deleting them without a second glance and refused to answer his phone when they would call. It was what he had to do in order to give his heart a chance to heal.

He really just wanted to her to be happy. In the end that is really all that mattered to him. So, if marrying _him_ made her happy then Jim would deal with it. He had to.

Jim took another gulp of beer before he collapsed onto his couch and slipped into a restless sleep.

--

The pins in her hair were pulling too tight, placing an uncomfortable pressure on her temple. She wanted nothing more than to take them all out, shake her head, and let the curls fall where they may. But she couldn't do that yet. Not today.

She was still in her comfortable sweats, a button up plaid shirt, and flip-flops, but her face was done perfectly with makeup and her hair covered with a gallon of hairspray. It was her wedding day.

She was marrying her high-school sweetheart today. The thought was almost foreign to her. It was what she had wanted for so long, but now something didn't feel as perfect as she thought it would. She'd had so many expectations for today and it wasn't living up to what she had imagined.

Pam willed herself not to cry. She didn't want to mess up the makeup that Kelly had worked so hard on. She subconsciously played with a button on her shirt and let her mind wander into thoughts she had all but pushed away since that fateful night four weeks ago.

"_Did you have a good time last night?" Roy asked Pam the morning after Casino Night as they sat at the table. "Sorry I bailed so early."_

"_It's okay," Pam told him, trying not to picture Jim's face, "I did have a good time. Thanks."_

"_What is on the agenda for today?"_

"_I thought I might drive down and visit with my parents tonight, if you don't mind."_

"_Of course not babe," Roy answered around a gulp of coffee. "Are you planning on spending the night there or are you going to come home tonight?"_

"_I think I'll stay there," Pam answered, trying not to sound too anxious to leave him alone for the night. "It's been awhile since I've stayed with them."_

"_I think that is a good idea for you Pammy," Roy said, "you can get some wedding stuff done."_

"_You're right," Pam agreed with a half smile. "I think I'll go pack a bag and head out pretty soon."_

"_Okay," Roy mumbled and turned his attention back towards the sports page of the paper. Pam sighed and took the stairs two at a time. She needed to get out of there. Forty minutes later she was on the road, driving out of Scranton._

_When Pam pulled up to her parent's seaside home in Long Branch, New Jersey she was excited to stretch her legs and breath in the salty ocean air. Her parent's had moved here to the beach when her youngest sister, Emma, graduated high school and moved to Florida for college. They'd sold Pam's childhood home in Scranton and moved three hours away. That was the same summer that Pam had moved in with Roy. It was nearing one and Pam knew her parents would be getting ready to settle down for lunch. It was perfect timing._

_Pam gingerly knocked on the door as she opened it, "Mom? Dad?"_

"_Pam? Is that you?" she heard her mom call from the kitchen, "What are you doing here Tigger?"_

_Pam smiled at the use of her nickname and greeted her mother with a hug. The tears spilled over her eyelids before she realized what was happening and Janet Beesly led her daughter to the couch._

"_What's wrong sweetie?"_

"_I'm so confused mom," Pam sobbed into her shoulder. I just needed to get away."_

"_Well, you're here now," Janet answered, "and you can stay as long as you want. Does Roy know where you are?"_

"_Yes," Pam nodded, "I told him I was coming for a visit, but he doesn't know why. He doesn't know that…that I'm questioning our entire future."_

_Pam's shoulders sagged as she finished the line and Janet took a deep breath. Letting her daughter cry on her shoulder was something that, unfortunately, she was quite used to. Between Pam's older sister Jenna, Emma, and Pam, Janet had known well the trials her daughters faced, and had been in the audience of thousands of tears they cried._

"_I love him mom," Pam was telling her. "I really do. But marriage?"_

"_Wait honey, who are you talking about?"_

"_Roy of course," Pam sobbed, "I love him. I've always loved him…"_

"_Do you want to be his wife?"_

"_I don't know."_

"_Tigger…"_

"_I know mom," Pam interrupted, "you would think after nearly ten years with the man and three years of engagement I would know if I was ready to marry him."_

"_It isn't a question of are you ready or not Pam."_

"_It isn't?"_

"_No," Janet answered with a strict force, "you're ready to get married. You've been ready to get married since Roy proposed to you three years ago…"_

"_But…"_

"_But do you think that the reason the wedding never happened was because deep down you and Roy both knew that you weren't supposed to get married?"_

"_I…I don't know mom," Pam answered and rested her head on her hand in agony. "I love Roy."_

"_Are you _in love_ with him anymore?"_

"_I think so."_

"_But you also told me that you had feelings for Jim too."_

_Pam shrugged, "And you've never felt something for two different guys before mom?"_

"_Of course I have," Janet answered in all honesty, "but love wasn't ever apart of those feelings."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I cared very much for your father when I first met him," Janet explained, "but I was already in a relationship. Had been for quite some time."_

"_I never knew that."_

"_It isn't something I ever really broadcasted. It was college, I was young and immature and decided that I wanted to test the waters before I settled down with anyone. So I broke it off with the other guy and started dating your dad. It took him months to make me fall in love with him, but once I did that was it. I knew…"_

"_Knew he was the one?"_

"_Yes and no," Janet explained, "I knew that I had done the right thing by taking the chance to try something else before I tied myself to something I wasn't sure about."_

"_But what if I end it with Roy only to find out that he is what I really wanted all along?"_

"_Then you either try to start again with him or move on."_

"_That doesn't seem…"_

"_Don't finish that statement Pam," Janet told her daughter, "because you'll regret it later, I guarantee that. I want you to do something for me, okay?"_

"_Okay."_

"_This weekend," she started pulling away from her daughter, "I want you to really think about your future. What do you want to be in five years? Who do you see by your side while that happens? Because in the end that is who you should be with."_

"_But…"_

"_You'll make the right choice," Janet assured her daughter, "you just have to trust yourself and your decisions. You have to have the confidence to do that."_

"_Okay," Pam mumbled with a short nod, "I'll try."_

"_That is all I can ask," Janet said and stood up, "come on Tigger, lets get you something to eat and tell your dad you're visiting with us this weekend."_

"_Thanks mom."_

The one night she had originally planned on staying quickly turned into three and she didn't leave her parent's house until late Tuesday afternoon. When she arrived to the office on Wednesday, Jim was gone. Desk cleaned out, and she was told that he'd left that morning for Stamford.

He transferred.

He didn't wait for her. She broke down in the bathroom on her lunch break, frustrated and hurt that he said he'd wait and didn't. It was enough to make her second guess the decision she'd made at her parent's house.

Which is why at this moment she was standing in front of a full length mirror waiting for her mom to return with the wedding dress she was about to wear down the aisle. She looked up at the clock that hung on the wall and bit her lip in nervousness.

She would become Mrs. Roy Anderson in less than two hours.

Pam was sure she was going to be sick.

--

Jim woke from his drunken state to see the sun starting to sink below the horizon. His head was throbbing and the music he heard coming from the next apartment was ringing in his ears. The hangover had started.

Jim stumbled, near blindly, to the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet for the bottle of aspirin he was sure his mother had stocked it with when they had moved him in. Luckily he found it quickly and struggled with the lid for only a minute before it popped open and allowed the pills to drop into hand.

Before he had a chance to swallow them his head was hunched over the porcelain toilet and the remnants of an earlier meal reappeared. He groaned and leaned back against the shower door and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. A hand that was shaking.

It was getting later. The wedding had surely started already. For all he knew she was already _his_ wife. A man that didn't deserve her goodness. The thought made him sick and so again he was hunched over the toilet.

When Jim closed his eyes, her green ones were there. He wanted to believe that she was really there, but when his eyelids drifted open again he was alone.

And that, he knew, would be the way he lived the rest of his life.

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**A/N: So, does everyone hate me? Should I watch my back? Please review. Pretty pretty please! Thanks.**


	3. Final Boarding Call

**A/N: Wow, another update so quickly, you should feel lucky. I'm having such a good time writing this story, which may be bleak since it has turned into such an angst-y piece, but I love it. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I promise that more is coming and I hope you aren't getting bored with it!**

**Kudos once again to an amazing beta! Katie, you rock.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any part of **_**The Office**_**…I unfortunately just work a mundane job and write fan fiction in my spare time. That is basically my life. Sad.**

**--**

She watched the waves roll over the shore and tried to smile as her feet sunk deeper and deeper into the sand. Her smile didn't come. Instead a steady stream of tears coursed down her cheeks, and she could taste the salt of them on her lips. She sank to her knees and let the tears fall. It felt liberating to let them out. She'd been holding them in for so long that to release them felt like she was finally releasing herself from the sadness that had filled every part of her being.

She was on her honeymoon.

Alone.

The tears continued to come as what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life changed quickly to take on the polar opposite.

"_Pam?" she heard the creak of the old wooden door and her mom's head poke through. "Can I come in?"_

_Pam nodded, afraid to trust her voice and kept her back towards her mom and the dress she knew she was holding. She glanced at the clock and felt the knot in her stomach tighten as she realized how close she was to changing her life._

"_Your sisters are just about ready," her mom was saying, "and the church is filing up. All we have to do now is get you into your dress."_

_Pam nodded and felt the moisture fill her eyes. She blinked quickly to clear the tears away._

"_Pam honey, are you alright?"_

_She shook her head and her mom's arms found their way around her daughter's small form. "Honey…"_

"_I can't do this mom," she cried, finally letting the tears spill over, mindful her makeup was done for. "I can't. I can't marry Roy."_

"_Pam…"_

"_I wanted to, I thought I wanted to," Pam continued to stammer, "but…"_

"_Tigger you don't have to explain anything to me," Janet comforted her daughter quietly._

"_How am I supposed to do this?" Pam asked pulling back slightly, "How am I supposed to tell him that I can't do it? That I've changed my mind? There is a full church…"_

"_Pam," Janet interrupted, "your dad and I will take care of the guests. I'll have Roy come back, you do need to talk to him."_

_Pam nodded and watched her mom leave the room. She grabbed a tissue and attempted to wipe away the mascara that had made little trails down her cheeks when she heard a knock on the door._

"_Pammy?" Roy's voice carried through the thick wood and Pam took a deep breath before turning to _

_allow him to enter. When she opened the door she could read the worry that was written in his blue eyes. "What's wrong? Isn't it like bad luck to see you before the wedding?"_

"_Typically yes," Pam answered with a grim expression, "but we need to talk."_

"_Pammy…"_

"_Please just let me finish," she told him meeting his gaze, "I'm so sorry Roy, I am, but…"_

"_But what?"_

"_I can't do this." Her words were barely a whisper__,__ and it took Roy a moment before he realized what was happening. Why his fiancé had tears in her eyes and wasn't in her wedding dress yet. "I can't."_

"_Pammy, why are you doing this? Don't you love me?"_

"_I'll always love you Roy," Pam answered him, taking his large hands into her own, "but I'm not in love with you anymore and I can't marry you. I'm sorry. I just, I tried okay? I really did. But…"_

"_And you choose now to do this?"_

"_I'm sorry," she said again, "I'm so sorry."_

"_But…"_

"_I can't Roy," she interrupted, "I just can't."_

_And with tears in her eyes she turned and ran out of the church._

Now she was sitting on the beach, the chilly night air whipping around her, and she pulled the Dunder-Mifflin sweatshirt closer to her. It smelled like him still. The man she had tried for nearly five weeks to erase from her memory. She had stolen it from his car when they had gone shopping for Kevin and he never asked for it back.

So she had kept it. Hidden from Roy, buried in the back of her closet, and now it was her one comfort. She watched the sun dip farther into the horizon as the sky continued to darken. She was alone. This fact filled her mind and left her distant. She grimaced when she thought of what was waiting for her when she finally returned to Scranton, or what wasn't waiting for her.

She blinked back the tears that threatened to pour over again, cursing her vulnerability. Rising from her spot on the dark brown sand she made her way back towards the hotel. She only had a few more days and she was determined to be normal when she home.

--

The monotony of the work day was beginning to wear down Jim's defenses. She had been trying since the first day he'd walked in the office to get his attention; he'd caught on to that quickly. It made him think of himself and his attraction to her and it made him grimace. But now it was starting to be endearing and sweet, and he could see himself having a good enough time with her.

Nothing permanent of course, but something that would keep himself from thinking about her returning from their honeymoon, blissfully happy.

So when she had asked him Monday to have lunch with her sometime that week, he'd finally agreed and they had made plans for today. He couldn't let himself think that with tomorrow, bringing the end of the work week would also bring her back to Scranton. Married.

The thought made him sick. They were on their honeymoon right now and Jim shook his head violently to erase the picture that had crept up into it.

"You okay Halpert?" her voice asked from behind him and he turned to flash her a lopsided smile.

"Yup," he assured her and her dark brown eyes sparkled. She tucked a piece of her silky black hair behind her ear and returned the smile.

"Good," she told him, "are you ready for the best seafood you've ever eaten? This restaurant is fantastic."

"I'm ready," he said, forcing himself to sound genuine. "It'll be fun."

She smiled warmly before he turned back towards his computer. An email alert popped up onto his screen and he groaned when he saw Michael Scott blinking at him. He hit the ignore and delete button without looking at anything further and tried to refocus his attention to work.

--

Pam looked around the hotel room she had called home for the last twelve days and did a sweep to make sure everything she had brought had once again made it into her suitcase, and all her new treasures made it home as well. She hadn't been in the mood to get out much, but when she did she had discovered a little flea market that she had fallen in love with.

Her new sketchbook with a handmade pineapple on the front was her favorite discovery. She had filled it drawings and colors of places she had stumbled upon while roaming the island. Waterfalls, wildflowers, the way the sun reflected off the Pacific Ocean waters, it was all going home with her to be immortalized in her new apartment.

Her new apartment. Those three words made Pam cringe and a new set of tears come to the surface. She hated being this emotional; it was the worst possible feeling she could imagine after everything happened, but she had always been one to get teary over the smallest things.

She was moving into a small one bedroom apartment near the office that her parents had found for her the first week she had been gone. They had taken care of putting things together for her life back home while she was working on picking up the shattered remnants of her heart and trying to put them back together again.

Some days she thought it was working and then of course there were a few days were she hadn't even wanted to get out of bed because she was so miserable. To any outsider, her actions would appear to be one of a girl who had been left at the altar, not one who had done the leaving.

The phone buzzed in her room and she knew that meant her cab was here to take her to the airport. Sighing, Pam slipped the last of her belongings into her luggage and called for the bellhop. For the umpteenth time Pam considered calling him. She wanted to hear his voice, to tell him what had happened, to explain everything, and to express her feelings.

But she was chicken, and for the same number of times she put the phone down and walked away. Her cell phone was tucked neatly into her shoulder bag, and she pulled it out if only to check the messages once before she boarded her plane; thankfully there were none.

Roy had finally stopped calling.

She had lost count of the number of messages he'd left on her phone since she called off their wedding. Some had been left in a mad and drunken state and the words he had said cut her deep, and then there were the few he'd left while emotional and upset and tugged at her heart. She knew she should talk to him, sort some more stuff out, but it was hard enough right now; adding Roy back into the mix would make it even more difficult.

Pam waited while the bellhop loaded her bags into the trunk of the cab before climbing in and leaning her head against the window. She was leaving paradise and heading back into the real world where she wasn't sure what was going to meet her.

--

Jim lay in bed, his comforter pulled up around his chin, a habit he picked up in his childhood, his eyes focused on the ceiling. It was only four in the afternoon, but he'd left work early, claiming a sore throat and now had buried himself in bed.

His date with Karen had gone alright. It was by no means Cugino's, but it had worked and Jim could sense that he'd be able to have some fun with Karen. So far they hadn't made any motion to have a follow-up and Jim knew that was because she was waiting for him to ask her this time.

And he knew he should.

So he told himself he would. He'd call her this weekend and ask her to dinner next week. Maybe a movie too. He'd take her out and start to fill the hole that had been in his heart for so long. He could learn to love someone new, couldn't he?

He assured himself he could. That he could love Karen, that she could be it for him, that he could have a future with her if he really wanted one. That in fact there wasn't just one person in the world meant for him. Because if that was the case, he would be doomed to be single forever, and he knew he didn't want that, no matter what he had said before.

But even as he had been trying to convince himself of all of this, Pam's face was still burned into his head. He wasn't sure that he would ever be able to erase her from his memory.

Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he pulled himself up and grabbed the phone off his nightstand. Pizza and beer sounded about perfect for the kind of day he'd had and he was sure that he would be able to find a baseball game on to lose himself in.

He wanted desperately to stop thinking of her. To be free, but no matter what he did it didn't work.

When he hung up from the pizza place his cell phone beeped with a new voicemail. There wasn't any record of a missed call so he reluctantly dialed his voicemail, pushed in his password, and held the phone to his ear.

"You have one new voicemail message," the automated voice droned and Jim hit the necessary keys in order for the message to start.

When it did it was nearly silent and Jim almost hung up. But then he heard something that caught his attention.

Muffled and distant a heavy voice came through the line, "final boarding call for American Airline Flight 234 from Maui to Philadelphia."

Then the line went dead.

"What in the hell was that?" Jim muttered and sank back down into his bed, more confused than ever.

--

**A/N: I hate having to beg for reviews. But the last chapter didn't get near the amount that the one before did. I'm hoping it was just a fluke. But thanks to all of you who did review. You made my day!**


	4. Inquires of the Mind

**A/N: Thanks so much to an amazing beta, Katie, for going through this piece for me. I promise another chapter is almost done, so the quicker you review the quicker another update comes!**

**Disclaimer: The Office is not mine. Sad day!**

* * *

She stared at the payphone receiver has she placed it back down on the old-fashioned hook. She didn't know what overcame her, or caused her to dial the still all-too-familiar number, only to chicken out when she heard his voice come through on his voicemail. She just stood there, staring out the window in front of her, not saying anything. Then her boarding call came and she hurriedly hung up the phone.

God she was pathetic.

She pulled her purse over her shoulder tighter and hurried to make her flight. She couldn't miss this flight; she was ready to be home. She was ready to move on with her life and start again. She was ready to put the last ten years securely in the past and see what the next ten years would hold.

She was ready to become her own person.

She smiled at the thought of just being Pam. Not being anything other than that. Something that hadn't happened since she had started dating Roy. She had been known her last two years of high school as 'Roy's girlfriend,' and even in college it was the same. She had always been the afterthought, only known because of who she associated with.

But that was about to change. She was now going to be her own person. Able and ready to make her own decisions and do the things that she wanted to. The first decision she made was to enroll in art classes when she got back to Scranton. Roy had been against her taking or majoring in art when they had gone to the state college after high school, so she had decided to major in literature. Though she never used it.

Now she was going to go back to school to actually learn something she would like to use. That was the first step to becoming the new Pam Beesly that she wanted to be.

Pam settled into her window seat and prayed that the seat next to her would remain empty. She hated being squeezed in next to people she didn't know, forced to make small talk or endure their less than decent bodily smells.

She breathed a sigh of relief when the plane pulled away from the terminal and the seat remained vacant. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the headrest and waited for the flight to take off. Taking off and landing were her least favorite parts of flying.

Pam pulled her iPod from her purse when the announcement verified that she could start her electronics. Pushing play, fresh tears pooled in her eyes when randomly, a song that reminded her of Jim started playing in her ears.

The soft melodic voice of Daniel Bedingfield floated into her ears and she turned off the iPod and pulled the headphones off her ears, and focused on studying the clouds that they flew by. Pam closed her eyes and let herself drift into a restless sleep.

--

Jim stared at his phone. He had been for little over five minutes now. He didn't know what to think, or how to respond to the mysterious message that had been left on his voicemail. It could only be one person—that he was certain of—but it didn't seem possible.

Maui. She had called from Maui. From the airport, before they'd left to come back.

Before they'd left to come back from their honeymoon.

What in the hell was she thinking?

He couldn't believe that she was really that heartless. That she had forgotten about everything that had happened that fateful night, to call him from the airport in Maui.

Then again, she hadn't actually left a message.

And that threw his brain into another round of curses and questions. Why in the hell would she call from a payphone, from the airport, while she's on her honeymoon, and not leave a message? What kind of sense was in that?

Jim finally was able to tear his glance away from his phone and tossed onto his dresser in frustrated anger. It was bad enough that he still thought about her every day, but to have to know that she had called him, intentionally, from her honeymoon, was enough to drive him crazy.

She had called from a payphone.

That thought continued to roll around in his head. It wasn't a mistake.

She had called him.

He couldn't get away from that. Even when the pizza he had order finally arrived and he grabbed a beer from the kitchen, his mind was still wrapped up in her. The baseball game he turned on did little to distract him, and soon he found himself lost in sleep, his dreams filled with her sunny smile and sparkling eyes.

--

"_Wow Beesly," his voice surprised her so much it caused her to jump, "what do you have there?"_

"_Oh it's nothing," she shrugged as she tried in vain to cover the sheet of paper in front of her from his view. "Just a doodle."_

"_Looks like more than a doodle to me," he scoffed and grabbed the sheet up off the desk. "Man, you drew this?"_

_The shock and awe in his voice nearly paralyzed her and she shyly nodded. It was odd to have someone admire her work._

"You're very talented," Jim told her with a warm smile. A smile that_, over the last eight months since he had started, she had come to adore, and yet she knew she could never tell him that. "Why aren't you doing this as a job?"_

"_What?" Pam asked putting up her defenses, "there isn't much you can do with a degree in art."_

"_You have a degree in art?"_

"_No," Pam told him, "it wasn't practical."_

"_But…"_

"_It wasn't," Pam interrupted, "it isn't, practical. It is just something I do for fun."_

"_I'll bet you paint all the time at home."_

_Pam's smile faltered and Jim immediately took a step back, "I'm sorry…"_

"_Don't be," Pam said with a smile, "I just…I mean, Roy doesn't like me to paint or anything at home. He feels it is just a waste of time, and money."_

"_You don't have any art supplies?"_

"_Nothing more than some basics," Pam said with a shrug, like it didn't matter. "We are trying to save up for the wedding."_

"_Oh yeah," Jim said and she noticed his eyes went suddenly dark, "the wedding. That makes sense."_

_Pam nodded and there was an awkward silence between them. The suddenly Jim straightened up and fiddled his fingers against the top of the reception desk._

"_Well Beesly," he said the smile back on his face, "you should show off that art more, it's great. And a degree in art would be practical if it was what you loved to do. Go after what you want, Bees."_

_Jim walked away before she was able to say anything else, and as Pam looked down at her sketch, a small smile formed on her face. Maybe taking a few art classes would be worth it…_

Pam woke with a start as the plane's tires hit the runway. She had slept through the entire five hour-long flight from Portland, Oregon where they had switched planes to Philadelphia, the closest airport to home. That was a rare thing for her. She was usually too nervous to sleep on flights, but she had been so exhausted she hadn't been able to keep her eyes open.

Then she remembered what she woke from. Her dream, the memory of that day, stayed with Pam after the conversation happened, and though she hadn't thought about it in a while, it was still there. Jim had always been supportive of her art. She remembered with a smile that the next day on her desk sat a beautiful box of oils with a big red bow on top.

She saved the card that accompanied them and had memorized the words he had quickly scrawled on the piece of stationary. Even to this day she could still remember what he had written.

_Pam- Never be afraid to go after what you want. You're talent is too good to hide from the world. I'm proud of you best friend. Use these to make more masterpieces. –Jim_

It had brought tears to her eyes then, and now it caused them to course down her cheeks.

She knew this was only one of the numerous times that he had tried to show his feelings for her. He'd been so thoughtful, so supportive, so…Jim.

She wished that she could go back in time to that day, or the hundreds of days after that, and just leap into his arms and have the fairytale ending she always wanted, but that couldn't happen. She could only go forward.

And she hoped that he would be next to her as she went forward from now on.

--

Her apartment smelled musty and reeked of old people. She had been spraying her favorite scented _Febreze _since she'd walked in the door nearly four days earlier, but the smell was being stubborn and sticking around. She was ready to have a chance to just scrub the place from top to bottom to clean it out. Anything to get that smell out.

She had to admit she liked having her own place though. There was something refreshing about coming home, dropping her purse and shoes, and having them be right where she left them the next morning, untouched. Though, it wasn't like Roy had ever really cleaned much anyways. Still, there was something nice about having silence when you wanted and noise when you chose. She could do whatever she wanted and she was thrilled.

It was something she hadn't had in awhile, her freedom. Getting out from Roy's grasp was probably the best move she had made. Even as much as it hurt.

"Damn it Pam," she cursed herself throwing the dishrag down. "Stop thinking about him. You're the one that dumped him. Get over it."

It had been a rough day. Mondays were always Pam's least favorite day to begin with, but with it being a Monday, her first day back to the office - from a honeymoon she'd gone on alone - and birthday Monday, it was everything in her power not to lose her mind.

"_Pam-o-rama!" Michael's voice called from inside his office. "Can you come in here for a moment."_

"_Sure," she answered and reluctantly got up to go see whatever Michael had wanted. It had been a long morning, Kevin had been smirking at her all day, Angela was glaring, and Phyllis just looked at her like she had kicked her puppy. _

_What they didn't realize was that Pam was torn up about it all too, but she couldn't show it. She had to be strong; she had to put on a front, especially with Roy in the building._

"_PAM!" Michael's voice was louder and Pam grunted._

"_I'm coming Michael," she answered a bit harshly and Phyllis' eyes shot to her. Pam struggled to ignore the look and stormed into Michael's office. "What?"_

"_I need you to run to the grocery," Michael explained without looking at her, "they just called and Kevin's cake is done."_

"_Isn't that Angela's job? As head of the party planning committee?"_

"She's already doing a bunch of other stuff," Michael told her, "some _accounting stuff that corporate needs done ASAP. I need you to do it."_

"_And who says I don't have stuff I have to do too Michael?" Pam growled and this time Michael's eyes shot up. "I've got almost two weeks of work to catch up on."_

"_Just faxes Pam," Michael started again. "Birthday stuff is important too."_

"_Fine," Pam finally relented frustrated and tired of arguing with him. "I'll go."_

_Pam stomped out of the office and ignored the looks from her co-workers. But that was until she noticed Ryan, moving his stuff to Jim's desk._

"_What are you doing?" she growled and Ryan looked at her curiously. "So…"_

"_I've been promoted," he explained, "I'm not a temp anymore and Michael said I could finally move up here with the rest of sales."_

"_Oh," Pam whispered quietly and she finally started to understand that Jim was gone. For good. The tears welled in her eyes and she dashed out of the office, sobbing._

She blamed it on all the stress of a broken engagement and lack of sleep. Her emotions had been on a rollercoaster lately and she was getting worn out. She really needed to get a good night's sleep and get back to normal. That was really just what she needed to do.

Pam slipped under the covers and pulled the comforter up to her chin. She flipped the light off and squeezed her eyes shut. She was about to drift off to sleep when her cell phone rang startling her.

"Hello?" she answered groggily.

"Pam?" the voice on the other line sounded oddly familiar but she couldn't place it at first. "Pam are you there?"

"Yes," she answered, "who is this?"

"It's Kenny, Roy's brother."

"I know you are Roy's brother Kenny," Pam answered annoyed, "why are you calling me? I'm not in the mood to have to chew me out tonight for calling off the wedding."

"It's not about that and I'm sorry to bother you Pam, I really am," his voice was quiet, "but it's Roy and I thought you would want to know."

"What about him?"

"There's been an accident."

**A/N: Please review, you know you want to! Cliff-hangers are fun for me. And let's just say, I've got several ideas to where I plan on taking this. Let me know what you think though. Cause I really love to hear it!**


	5. Tea and Crackers

**A/N: Happy Tuesday people! Only two more days before the season finale and I'm super excited! I've got another chapter here for you. I hope you enjoy. Bear with me. The next chapter will be up soon, as I'm pretty much done writing it. It just has to go to my beta now. But…my mind has got this story worked out for the next few chapters…meaning, pretty fast updates probably? We'll have to see. **

**Thanks to Katie, my beta! I appreciate the work you do!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own rights to The Office. This is just for fun.**

**--**

The dimly lit hallway did nothing to raise Pam's spirits as she sat in the uncomfortable hospital waiting seat. It was nearing three am, she was sure of that, and her hands were grasped around a now-cold cup of coffee. Kenny Anderson, Roy's brother, was across the room, his snores echoing in the otherwise silent room.

She almost wasn't sure she knew why she was even there.

The call from Kenny had sent her blood running cold and she had rushed to make it to the hospital, only to find out that they had rushed Roy into surgery. She questioned Kenny about what actually had taken place.

"_It was just a mistake," Kenny mumbled, his own head showing signs of trauma. His forehead was bandaged and his cheek was swollen. "He didn't mean it."_

"_Didn't mean what Kenny? What didn't he mean to do?"_

_She was trying to get all the information out of Kenny that she could before he was whisked away to talk to the police officers, which she watched arrive a few minutes after herself. In her heart she knew that something was worse than what Kenny was alluding to._

"_We had been at Poor Richards," Kenny started and Pam took a deep breath in. "Had a few beers, took a few shots…"_

"_Got plastered," Pam filled in and Kenny reluctantly nodded his head. Pam shook her head as she began to brace herself for the worst._

"_I tried to talk him into calling a cab," Kenny continued, "I swear, but he wouldn't do it. He didn't want to waste the money on that when his truck was there so we just left. Next thing I know we are waking up in the hospital and you were the only person I could think to call."_

"_Do your parents know?"_

"_I called them right before you got here," Kenny explained, "when they told me that Roy needed surgery. They are on their way down now."_

_Pam nodded and mentally calculated the time it would take for them to get there. She had at least two hours before they would arrive. She hadn't seen them, nor spoke with them, since she'd called off the wedding and she wasn't sure what to expect from the couple that had been second parents to her for a good portion of her life._

_Pam's voice caught in her throat when she went to ask the question she dreaded. "Was anyone else hurt?"_

_Kenny's eyes went big at the question and Pam heard another voice answer the question for him._

"_One person was killed instantly on impact," the deep voice of the officer explained, "the other person in the car is also in surgery right now. They aren't sure if he is going to make it."_

_Pam nodded solemnly as tears welled in her eyes again for the lives affected by Roy's mess._

"_And who are you?" another officer asked Pam._

"_I'm Roy's fin-, excuse me, I mean ex-fiancé."_

"_Where you with them this evening?"_

_This time Kenny answered for her, "No she wasn't. I called when I found out how seriously Roy was injured."_

"_I see," the officers answered. "If you'll excuse us, we need to finish up writing the reports."_

_Pam nodded politely and wandered back over to a seat to wait. At first Kenny came and sat next to her, but as the minutes ticked by he made himself more comfortable in a recliner across the room. _

And that is the last time either of them moved. She glanced up at the clock on the wall and knew that Roy's parents would be arriving any minute. She numbly pulled out her own cell phone, only to put it away again when she realized that anyone she would normally call in this situation wouldn't be up for taking calls at three in the morning.

If he was up for taking them at all.

--

Pam stirred from the sleep she had drifted off to, and before her eyes opened she heard strained and hushed voices coming from across the room. She was sure that the Andersons had arrived finally and Kenny was filling them in on the details. Pam forced her eyes open and glared at the clock. It was nearing four am and she realized she hadn't even slept a full hour.

Her neck was sore from the awkward position she had managed to lean into, and her stomach was queasy from the lack of any decent food and the excess amount of lackluster coffee she had inhaled after arriving at the hospital several hours before.

Her heart drummed against her chest in nervousness as she made her presence known. Brenda Anderson turned to her and smiled.

"Oh Pam," she drawled, "thank you so much for being here. How are you?"

"I'm okay," she croaked out, "listen…"

"You don't have to say anything," Brenda interrupted her.

"But…"

"Pam," Craig Anderson added, "we understand. Really. You don't have to explain anything to us."

"Thank you," Pam said quietly and leaned in to give Brenda a hug. "I really am sorry."

Brenda nodded and Pam could feel the warmth of her tears on her shoulders. "I'd rather you found happiness now then realize that marrying him was a mistake years from now. You have to know that I love you just like my own daughter and I want your happiness too. Whatever form that comes in."

Pam's tears spilled over and the two women stood in the middle of the waiting room and cried together. Pam was thankful for her understanding. She would have been devastated if Brenda and Craig had hated her because of what happened.

"Okay," Brenda said after a few moments and pulled away wiping her eyes. "Have you heard anything about Roy's condition yet?"

Both Pam and Kenny shook their heads no and Brenda nodded sadly.

"The last thing we heard was about two," Pam filled her in, "they were just starting to work on repairing the internal injuries. They said it could potentially take several hours."

"So now we just have to wait?" Craig asked, snaking his arm around his wife's waist. "Why don't I run and get us some coffee?"

"That would be great honey," Brenda agreed and turned to Pam, "would you like some?"

"No thanks," she answered, "I think I'll go get myself some tea though. It will help settle my stomach."

"Are you feeling poorly?"

"My stomach is a little twisted up this morning," Pam said with a shrug, "nothing major. Tea would be perfect though."

"I'll get it for you," Craig assured her, "you stay here with Brenda. I'll take Kenny with me."

They all nodded and Pam watched as Craig led Kenny out of the waiting room, leaving her and Brenda in nearly perfect silence. Pam fiddled with the zipper on the old sweater she had grabbed before she left the house, and let herself drift into the memories that college sweatshirt held.

"_Pammy," Roy's voice called from the foyer of her home, "Pammy come here!"_

_Pam threw her history book to the side and pulled herself off the bed. She wasn't sure what her boyfriend was doing here, he was supposed to be in practice, but curiously she flew down the stairs and into his waiting arms._

"_What's wrong Roy?" she asked gently and then noticed his bright smile. "What is going on?"_

"_I did it," he exclaimed, "We did it! I got in. I got the football scholarship. I'm going to Penn State with you."_

_Pam squealed and threw her arms back around his neck. She pressed her lips to his excitedly and pulled him over the couch. "When did you find out?"_

"_My mom called me from the house to let me know the letter was there," he explained, "I ran home right way to open in and then I ran here. We're going to college together. It's going to work out."_

"_I knew it would," Pam assured him and placed a kiss on his cheek, "I'm so proud of you Roy."_

They had been together nearly a year when his announcement had come. She had been so blissfully happy that everything seemed to be working for them. They had gone to college together, gotten closer and closer, and pledged forever together. She had stood by him after his accident that blew out his knee and ended his football career for good. He had to leave the school because his scholarship was withdrawn since he wasn't playing anymore.

She finished, even though he wanted her to leave with him, and for a while their relationship suffered because of it. He was angry that she was continuing to do what she wanted when he was stuck working in a warehouse for a paper company and living with his parents.

Then she graduated and moved back to Scranton, and they decided to move in together. They spent lots of time apartment hunting until they found the perfect one for them. A cute and cheap one bedroom in a good part of town close to Roy's work. It was perfect for them and Pam was happy.

She started temping, working for a doctor's office, and they continued to work towards starting their lives together. Roy proposed to her at Christmas the year after she graduated. It had been a perfect moment. She'd never been happier.

She started working at Dunder-Mifflin three months later.

Four months after that, Jim started working there. That is when things got interesting.

She remembered his first day as if it was yesterday. She'd been running late that morning, flustered at something Roy had done, and even more frustrated with Michael. A normal Monday, in other words. Then, he had walked in.

Smiling, completely unaware of what he was walking into.

"_Hi," he said brightly, "I'm Jim, the new sales guy."_

"_Welcome Jim," she answered him, flashing a smile back, "My name is Pam, I'm the receptionist here."_

"_So, is this a good place to work?"_

_She couldn't help but laugh and then laugh again at his face. "Well," she started, "let's just say it isn't boring around here."_

"_Awesome!" he exclaimed and Pam was giggling again. "So, do you know where I'm supposed to go? I think I'm supposed to meet a Toby?"_

"_Right," Pam nodded, "he's our HR guy. But he isn't in yet. Here, let me show you to your desk."_

"_Thanks Pam," he said, flashing her another smile._

"_Well, enjoy this moment because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight."_

_The stare on his face made her giggle again. "You'll see what I mean soon enough. Michael too."_

"_Michael?"_

"_The regional manager. He's…"_

"_Pam-oh-rama!" a voice interrupted her statement. "Who's this new good looking guy? Did you finally dump that guy you've been seeing?"_

"_This is Jim," Pam explained, trying to ignore the look that clouded Jim's face for a moment. "He's the new sales guy."_

"_AH!" Michael exclaimed, opening his arms for a hug and Jim looked worriedly at Pam. "Jim, JIM HALPERT! Welcome to our family."_

"_Uh, thanks."_

Pam still laughed when she thought about that day. A day that brought her best friend into her life and the man that she grew to love. She wished she could go back to that day and live the time since a little differently.

But then again, she still tried to not have any regrets about the way things had turned out. There wasn't any reason to regret her life. Sure, there were things she wasn't proud of or happy with, but if she hadn't lived through those moments, she wouldn't be who she was right now.

And as cheesy as that sounded it was what had to happen.

--

She was still nauseous even after the tea and some crackers, and she just chalked it up to the uneasiness of not knowing what was going on with Roy. Pam fiddled with the strap of her purse as she sat next to Roy's mom waiting for the doctor to come.

"So your mom was telling us how you plan on enrolling in art classes at the community college downtown," Brenda started to say and Pam nodded. "That is great Pam. You're very talented."

"Thanks," Pam said quietly. "It's something I've always wanted to do."

"We're very proud of you," Brenda assured her. "With everything really. I'm just sorry things didn't work out between you and Roy."

"Me too," Pam whispered. "But…"

"Don't say anything. You don't have to justify it to me. I know that my son can be stubborn ass sometimes. It isn't one of his most admirable traits."

Pam didn't say anything. She was afraid to agree.

"We really just want you to be happy. Roy too."

"I want him to be happy too. I love him," Pam said, the string on her purse getting a work out. "I really do. It just wasn't enough."

"Sometimes it isn't."

Pam nodded and took another sip of tea. Craig came and joined them, carrying some sort of omelet-looking food item.

Pam's stomach turned over and her face paled.

"Are you okay Pam?"

"I…I'm not sure. The smell of those eggs are doing a number to my stomach."

"Do you need…"

Brenda didn't get a chance to finish her statement before Pam was headed to the bathroom. She grimaced as the contents of her stomach were emptied. She hated being sick.

When she walked back out into the waiting room, the doctor was talking to Brenda, Craig, and Kenny, and the look on Brenda's face told Pam everything.

He was gone.

Silent tears ran down her cheeks.

--

**A/N: Reviews? Please?**


	6. The Morning After

_**A/N: Here it is, another chapter. This one is pretty long, but there was a lot I wanted to happen and I couldn't find a spot I liked enough to split it. I'm so happy that people are enjoying the story, angst and all. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about this chapter.**_

_**Disclaimer: I still don't own the Office.**_

_**--**_

Pam couldn't help but play with the hem of her simple black dress. The room was much louder than she would have preferred, but there wasn't anything she could do about it. She would just have to deal with the pounding in her head. Pam's mother was close by. She could feel her presence, and was so thankful that her and her father had made the drive up.

It made sense. He was almost their son-in-law after all.

The room was crowded too, which made the air stuff and warm and Pam fanned herself discreetly to try and bring down her temperature. She was still feeling ill so the extra warmth was not agreeing with her stomach. The nauseous feelings were taking over her thoughts, making it difficult to concentrate on anything other than her stomach.

"Pam honey," her mother's soft voice asked, "are you okay?"

"Pam nodded with a small smile and her mom looked at her again. "I am mom. I promise."

"Okay," Janet Beesly responded, "Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks."

She watched her mom walk away and went back to glancing around the crowded room. She was glad that she knew most of the people there. Friends of theirs from high school and college, family members, and co-workers were all in attendance of the viewing, and Pam was grateful of all the silent support she was getting.

It was a foreign concept for her. To be supported in something that was her fault. And that thought had plagued her since that night in the hospital only two days ago. It felt like a lifetime.

So much had happened, the doctors had said, so much damage that they just couldn't repair it fast enough. He'd lost so much blood, too much. They lost him.

Tears started to well up in Pam's eyes as she remembered what it had felt like to be told he was gone.

And to know it was her fault. If she hadn't completely cut him out of her life so quickly he might still be there, with her. As well as the two people from the other car that he'd hit. This wouldn't have ever happened if it hadn't been for her and her selfishness.

Pam felt her stomach turn over and dashed out of the room. She didn't leave unnoticed.

--

Jim didn't understand what was going on. In the last twenty four hours his email inbox had been filled with emails from Scranton, as well as his voicemail. Determined to not waver in his decision to erase contact with the Scranton branch, he continuously erased the messages and emails without even looking at them. It was the only way he could go on with his life. He had to do everything he could to forget about her and what his home had been.

That was part of the reason he was going on his second date with Karen later that night.

He'd finally gotten up the nerve to ask her out and she had quickly taken him up on the offer. Now it was his turn to plan the date. He was still so new to Stamford that he hadn't been sure at all of what would be considered a proper date, and had questioned several of his neighbors.

He'd finally decided on a little restaurant on the water and maybe a movie. He was just going to wait and see what happened. He was supposed to pick her up in thirty minutes and he knew it would only take him five to get there. That gave him nearly twenty five minutes to pace around his apartment. His eyes flickered over to the shelves by his TV and Princess Bride stuck out like a sore thumb.

His mind was suddenly overtaken by thoughts of _her._

"_You've seriously never seen Princess Bride before?" he'd questioned her for the hundreth time that afternoon. "Man Beesly, I just can't believe that."_

"_Why can't you believe it?"_

"_Cause it is a classic," Jim answered his tone mimicking the 'duh' tone. "You have to watch it."_

"_I'm not going to watch it alone," Pam answered, "if I'm being forced to see it, then you are going to have to watch it with me."_

_Jim's heart nearly stopped at the thought of being anywhere in relation to her while watching a movie It seemed too much of a date to his head and heart._

"_I guess I can do that," Jim shrugged. "It's up to you."_

"_No question about it," Pam said with a smirk. "Why don't we make plans for tonight? It's poker night for Roy, so he'll be gone and we won't have to listen to him complain about the movie choice."_

"_Okay," Jim said, trying to mask the excitement and anxiety that filled his mind. "I'll bring the movie, you supply the dinner?"_

"_Pizza okay with you?"_

"_Perfect," he answered with a smile and headed back over to his desk. He was having dinner at Pam's and watching a movie with her. This was going to be an interesting night._

And it had. He'd had so much fun over at her, well _their_, house that night. Pizza, a movie, and lots of laughs had filled their living room. It almost seemed like Roy didn't exist. Jim had felt guilty for thinking that, but they had just had so much fun he didn't want to have to go back to watching her with _him._ She had a good time too. So much so that she now named that movie in her top five favorites. He had to wish it was partially because of him, but he couldn't allow himself to give that thought to his heart.

--

The house was eerily quiet. Even with all the movement and people it still felt vacant. This was the house she had moved out of only weeks before and now, now she was back again and not sure what she was going to do with it.

It was hers now.

She remembered the day they had first found this house. It was a year after their engagement and they had decided to go ahead and buy a house so they would have it after the wedding already. Roy hated renting and wanted to have his own house. It had been a nearly perfect day.

"_There is only one more to look at today Roy," Pam said as they were driving along the roads in Scranton, "I hope we have better luck at this next one. Can you believe the first one we saw?"_

"_A person would have to be blind to move into that house," he'd answered with a grin and threaded his fingers through hers. "The last one wasn't too bad, just slightly out of our price range."_

"_Slightly?" Pam asked with a mock surprise, "it was more than slightly."_

"_Okay so you're right," Roy grinned, "If this one doesn't work out we'll just have to look again next Saturday. But I promise Pam, we'll find the perfect house for us."_

"_I'm really happy Roy," Pam sighed and leaned her head over on his shoulder. "But…"_

"_You want to set a date for the wedding."_

"_Yeah," she answered honestly, "I really do Roy. We've been engaged for nearly a year already. Most people are counting down the days to their wedding at this point."_

"_Okay," he said with a groan, "we'll set a date."_

"_We will?"_

"_Yeah," he said pulling into the driveway of the house, "I promise that tonight we'll pull out that organizer of yours and set a wedding date."_

"_Thank you!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around his neck and locking her lips with his. "Thank you so much!"_

_Hand-in-hand they'd walked through the house together, under the watchful eye of the realtor as she explained the history of the house. Pam had fallen in love with it immediately. She made sure that on the way home Roy knew how much she liked it._

"_I think it was perfect," Pam gushed, "three bedrooms, a huge kitchen, the family room, patio area, a large backyard. It is everything we wanted."_

"_Yeah," Roy agreed. "You really like it?"_

"_The only thing that would have made it better would be if it had a terrace," Pam said with a small smile. "I've always wanted one of those."_

"_Do those even exist in real life Pammy?" Roy asked while he rolled his eyes. "I've never seen one in Scranton, so sorry, but you won't be able to get one of those."_

_Pam tried to hide the hurt his words had triggered. She knew he didn't mean it as a direct jab at her, but there was something inside of her that burned with anger. She just turned her head towards the window and whispered, "I know."_

"_The rest of the ride was silent and when they finally pulled into the parking lot of their apartment complex, she was sure he had already forgotten about his promise and wasn't sure she wanted to bring it up. She was pleasantly surprised when he pulled out the calendar and they spent the next forty minutes throwing dates around._

_Until they picked one. October twenty fourth. They would be getting married in the fall._

That was until they had decided to postpone. Well, he had decided to postpone. And had found a reason to, not even three months after they had set the date. She couldn't remember the reason now and that only cemented the fact to her that it probably wasn't something of substantial value.

"Pam?" Brenda's voice broke through the thick fog that surrounded her mind and pulled her thoughts back into the future. "I've got some things I think you may want."

"Oh," Pam said with a small smile. "I don't know if I can do this Brenda."

"Do what honey?"

"Live here," Pam answered. "There is just so much…"

"No one said you had to live here Pam," Brenda interrupted. "Just because the house is yours doesn't mean you have to live here. You can sell you know. No one is going to think less of you because of it."

"It's my fault."

"What is?"

"Roy," Pam choked out in a sob, "it's my fault he's gone. Everything is my fault."

"Pam," Brenda wrapped her in her arms and pulled her close. "That isn't true."

"Yes it is," Pam sobbed against Brenda's shoulders. "If I hadn't called off the wedding or left him he wouldn't have been drunk that night, and he wouldn't have been driving, and the accident wouldn't have happened at all."

"You don't know that," Brenda argued, "I love my sons, but they can be pretty stupid sometimes. This wasn't the first time Roy has driven drunk before, and if he had lived it probably wouldn't have been the last. You have nothing to feel responsible for."

"But…"

"There aren't any buts here Pam," Brenda continued. "You have to live your life for you, not for what everyone else wants. You're going to be just fine."

"I hope your right."

"I am," Brenda assured her. "Just wait and see."

--

Jim's eyes slowly started to drift apart as the sun crept through the blinds. His head immediately started pounding and he struggled to remember the events of the night before. He'd gone out with Karen, that much he remembered, but he couldn't remembered what after dinner entailed.

Jim went to move, however he couldn't. His body was pinned down by another, and dark hair spilled over onto his chest.

He groaned.

_What in the hell did I do?_ He asked himself as he slowly extracted himself from Karen's arms and legs and tip-toed out of the room. Clad only in his boxes, he started a pot of coffee in the kitchen and sand down onto a bar stool. Glaring at the clock he groaned again when he realized the morning was already practically gone.

_How did I allow this to happen? _He kept questioning himself. He remembered inviting her back to his place to watch a movie or TV or something. Then beers, he remembered lots and lots of beers.

Jim dropped his head to the counter with a groan. _This is going to make things horribly awkward._

He wasn't sure how or why he'd let it get this far this fast. He wasn't usually like this. He wasn't. He'd waited to lose his virginity until he was nearly twenty, and it had been to his college sweetheart. A girl he'd been with for nearly a year, and all the sudden, now, he was 'that guy.'

The guy that would sleep with a girl on their first date. Well, okay, technically it was the second date, but it bothered him all the same. He valued that intimacy and now it was tainted. Karen was attractive, there was no doubt about that, and he had been drawn to her, but Jim groaned out loud as he pounded his head against the counter. He didn't love her. He couldn't even say that he really cared about her yet. They hadn't known each other long enough for feelings to develop.

Jim's gut turned over and he knew it wasn't from the hangover that he had already felt settle in.

"Jim?" Karen's voice filtered in from the doorway. "Are you okay?"

"Hung-over," he mumbled and looked up to meet her eyes. "You?"

"I don't think I had as much to drink as you," she said with a small giggle, "I've only got a touch of a headache. I'll be fine."

"Okay," Jim answered, and the room was filled with the most awful awkward silence Jim had ever experienced.

"Is it going to be like this all the time now?" Karen asked, her brazenness showing through with force.

Jim could only shrug.

"Okay," she said and turned to leave the room. She took a step and paused, Jim braced himself for a lash out. "I like you Jim. A lot. I just wanted you to know that."

Words were stuck in Jim's throat as he started to respond, only to be interrupted by his cell phone ringing. He grabbed it and answered before looking at the caller id and tried to ignore the look that pasted through Karen's eyes.

"Hello?"

"Jim," his mother's voice filled his ears and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hey mom," he answered and motioned to Karen that he had to take the call. She nodded and stepped out of the room. Jim waited until he heard the shower turn on before he turned his attention back to his mom. "What's up?"

"Are you here yet?"

"Am I where yet?" he asked, confused by the question. He tried to remember if he had made plans with his parents that he had forgotten about. Nothing came to mind.

"The church," she answered and Jim knew she was distracted by something. "Are you almost here? The service is going to start any minute."

"Mom," Jim started, "I have no idea what you are talking about. Care to fill me in?"

"You didn't get my email yesterday?"

"I guess not."

"Oh," she said, "I figured when you didn't email me back you would just be here since that is what I told you. Okay, well then…"

"Wait mom," Jim stopped her. "Would you care to fill me in on what you are talking about though. What service."

"There is a funeral service today for a friend of yours you used to work with here," she told him and Jim felt as if all the air was sucked from his lungs. He really only had one person in Scranton that he worked with whom he would consider a friend. He didn't want to think of the possibility.

"Um mom, who?"

"Roy Anderson," she told him. "He was seeing that girl Pam right? The one you managed to convince to help you torture Dwight."

"Uh yeah," Jim answered his mind swimming. "They got married last month."

"Oh," Larissa Halpert said, "I'll make sure I find her today. She has red hair right?"

"Strawberry blonde," Jim automatically answered and then grimaced. He didn't want his mom to catch on to the feelings he'd carried for Pam for so long. He hadn't told anyone before, he surely wasn't going to tell anyone right now.

"Okay," he heard his mom answer, "Listen Jim, I'm sorry to cut this short but the service really is set to start any minute and your father and I need to get inside. I'm sorry you didn't get my email yesterday. I sent the link to the newspaper article though. You may want to read it."

"Of course," Jim answered. "I'll talk to you later."

"Bye sweetie, love you."

"Love you too mom," he answered and set the phone down on the counter. Resting his head in his hands he took a deep, shaky breath. Two seconds later he was firing up his computer, he needed to know what happened.

He was quiet for a moment and was relived to hear the water in the shower still going. He had a few more minutes before he had to restart the difficult conversation with Karen.

He opened his email and quickly scanned the names before clicking on his mothers. As he waited for it to load he couldn't help but think about the emails he'd been receiving from his ex-coworkers and knew then that it was in reference to Roy.

"Damn you Halpert," he muttered under his breath at the feeling that passed through his heart when he thought about Roy's death. He knew that Pam would be miserable and couldn't believe he could be happy when he knew that.

Even if he was. A little.

He scanned the article, trying to get a grasp on what exactly had happened. The article from the Scranton Times wasn't very detailed. The police investigation wasn't complete yet and therefore there were still many holes that needed to be filled in. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding when Pam's name wasn't mentioned in the article at all. That could only mean she was alright, at least physically.

But her husband had been driving drunk, and had killed two other people in the process of killing himself. He knew she would be devastated.

Needing to feel connected to her somehow he clicked on the corresponding link to the obituary. He knew as Roy's wife she would be mentioned there. He read it in detail.

And then re-read it. He didn't understand why she was missing again from the words. Her name hadn't appeared once. She was his wife damn it, she should have been mentioned. She should have all the condolences.

He read it again.

_Roy Ethan Anderson is survived by his parents, Craig and Brenda Anderson and his younger brother Kenneth._

No mention of a wife. No mention of a wife. _No mention of a wife._

That sentence rolled around in his head until it hurt. He just wasn't sure what that meant. What he did know though, was that he needed to find out.

"Jim?" Karen's voice interrupted his thoughts and he was glad his back was turned to her so she couldn't see the look he knew passed over his face. "Is everything okay?"

"I don't know," he told her. "I have to get to Scranton though. Look Karen…"

"Don't Jim."

"I need to," he said, taking a tentative step towards her. "I'm so sorry about all of this. I didn't mean for last night to go as far as it did. I'm just…it's just…"

"You don't have to explain anything to me Jim," Karen interrupted his ramblings, holding back the tears he could see in her eyes. "You were pretty out of it. I know I should have stopped it. I'm sorry."

"Can we go back to being friends at least?" Jim asked, "is that possible?"

"I don't know," Karen replied with a shrug. "I'll see you at work on Monday. Have a safe drive."

Jim nodded and watched as she slipped out of his front door. Another breath escaped his lungs and he sank back down on the bar stool again. The obituary staring up at him from his computer screen. He had to know what was happening. He grabbed his phone and pressed a few numbers and held the phone to his ear, praying the other line would be answered.

"Hello?" a whispered response was given after just a few rings.

"Ryan," Jim growled into the phone, "what in the hell is going on down there?"

--

**A/N: Okay. You know what to do. Please don't make me beg. Please!**


	7. Third Times the Charm

**A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews you've been showering on me. I love getting them! I'm happy to report that another chapter is here for review…can't wait to see what you think about this one.**

**As always, this chapter would not be grammatically correct and fluent without the great support and help of my beta Katie! Thanks!!**

**Disclaimer: Please…if I owned The Office…I would not be sitting here at my desk, I'd be in cohorts with one Mr. John Krasinki. A girl can dream.**

**--**

Pam fumbled with the faucet of her bathroom sink with shaky hands. Her body refused to cooperate with the simple tasks her mind wanted it to complete. It was as simple as turning on the cool water, cupping it in her hands, and patting her face. Yet, her hands couldn't, or wouldn't, grip to faucet long enough to really get a stream of water pouring from the silver head.

This was a nervous tick that not many people knew about. Her nerves would get going so fast she could barely function. This was the fourth time in her entire life it had happened.

She felt her stomach turn over and attempted to drink the cool water she had finally gotten to flow from her shaky hands. Only a few droplets made it into her mouth, but she drank them up greedily. Pam rested her weight on her hands as she leaned over the sink, listening to the soothing sounds of running water, trying desperately hard not to look at the edge of the tub.

She had always heard third time's the charm, but it didn't seem to ring true until this moment. She knew what the outcome of this would be. She did, deep down, know this was just a formality. Something her mind insisted on doing. She glanced at the clock on her bedside table and an involuntary groan escaped from her lips as the time glared back at her. It was nearing three am and she was far from sleep.

Pam wasn't sure that if even attempting sleep at this point would be beneficial or not. She would have to be up in less than five hours anyway.

Tomorrow was the funeral. The actual service and graveside memorial. She knew carrying the information that now filled her head would make the day even worse to bear. The familiar sound of her baking timer resounded in her ears, jerking her head up, and she knew that in less than a minute her future would be altered completely.

She allowed herself to sink down to the cool tile of her bathroom floor and pressed her back against the porcelain tub. Reaching to the small piece of plastic that dangled precariously on the side, she gripped her shaky hand around it and brought it to her chest.

She pressed her eyelids tightly together, shutting the light out, and allowed the pictures of memories to fill her head. Taking a deep and yet shaky breath she opened her eyes again. She, for a brief moment, allowed herself to visit times past. When, strangely enough, she was sitting in a very similar position, about to do the same thing she was planning on doing right then, and remembered the outcome of that night.

_Pam sat cross-legged on the floor of the bathroom she shared with her younger sister and glanced up at the doorknob for the twentieth time to verify it was indeed locked. The box in her hand felt like it weighed fifty pounds as she tore it open._

_She was careful to be quiet, the last thing she needed was Elise waking up and asking what she was doing. Her younger sister could be so nosey sometimes and it would throw Pam into a round of questions from her parents that she was in no way ready to deal with._

_She quickly scanned over the directions and was careful to follow them to the letter, and as she waited for the three minutes to pass she sat, back pressed against the tub, chewing on her thumbnail. Roy was waiting to hear the results. He was sitting outside her bedroom window, waiting to hear whether or not they were going to have to jump into adulthood rather than enjoy their last years of freedom._

_Pam knew that she wasn't ready to be a mother. She was just eighteen, had just been accepted to college, getting ready to graduate high school; being a mother didn't fit into her plans yet. She wanted to be done with college, married, and settled before she even thought about having kids._

_When enough time had finally passed, she pulled the stick down from off the counter and tentatively glanced at it. She released the breath she was holding as relief washed over her in a wave. Negative. She wasn't pregnant._

_Pam shot a quick prayer of thanks up to heaven before gathering up all the evidence and tiptoeing back to her room. She gently and quietly pushed open her window._

"_Roy?" she hissed quietly into the darkness, "Roy!"_

"_What?" he hissed back from the bush, "I'm right here. So?"_

"_I'm not pregnant." The three words spilled from her mouth were bitterer than she had intended. This was supposed to be good news. "You have to get rid of this stuff. If Elise finds it, I'm dead."_

"_Sure," he agreed and took the drug store bag from her hands. "I'd better go. Love you."_

"_Love you too," she had answered, pressed her lips to his and then shut the window, watching him disappear into the darkness. She climbed into her bed, pulled the covers up around her chin, and cried herself to sleep._

She could remember waking up the next morning with a killer headache and swollen eyes from crying. She had begged for the day off from school and spent the entire day in bed with a tub of double chocolate brownie ice cream. Her mom and sister had attributed the day of wallowing to a fight with Roy and she hadn't corrected them.

Roy showed up that day after school with her homework from her teachers, a bouquet of flowers, and her favorite movie to watch. It had been a great way to erase all of the guilt she felt for being relived she wasn't pregnant.

This time it was different. This time she really didn't even have to look at the stick. She was older, and well, she wanted to be ready. She wanted to have a family.

The second time she did this it was much different from the first. They were engaged, living together, working full time, and just being a family. She had thought that having a baby would be another thing for them to accomplish. Having a baby was next on her list. She remembered vividly the anticipation she had carried that day. She carried a secret that no one else knew about. Pam decided not to tell anyone. Not even Roy, before she had confirmed it with a home test.

At exactly five she dashed out of the door, thankful for Roy's poker night, and to the drugstore. The three minutes this time felt like hours, only not because of anxiety, but of anticipation.

Three tests later Pam was left crushed with tears streaming down her face as she crawled into bed. Three negatives. She wasn't pregnant.

She had been devastated. That was a secret she continued to carry around with her.

Now it was different again. She was alone.

And she knew that it was going to be positive.

Bringing the test up to eye level she felt the tears that were pooled in her eyes spill over as she saw one word.

Pregnant.

She was pregnant.

She knew that the information shouldn't be anything her brain didn't already know, but seeing it was a feeling she hadn't ever experienced. Her empty hand glided gently over her still-flat stomach, and rested there as she imagined what her future would now hold.

Crawling into her bed she allowed herself to drift off into sleep, dreams of a shaggy brown-haired boy filling her head, and a family to go with him.

--

Pam sat numbly through the funeral service. Her hand passed over her stomach more times than she could count and she tried hard to keep them from being noticed.

So far, so good.

She glanced around the full church and let her eyes rest on faces of people she didn't know. She studied them, wondered about how they knew Roy, or what made them want to come to his funeral. The church wasn't packed, by any means, but there was still a great amount of people there.

She felt lucky to have the support of her co-workers behind her. There was a presence missing though, and that cut her to the core.

She glanced around again, this time her eyes landing on an older couple, she guessed roughly the age of her parents, that seemed familiar but she wasn't able to place. She tried not to stare too long, but she couldn't help it. She knew them. She just wasn't sure from where.

The woman met her glance and smiled. It was the smile. That was what seemed so familiar. The smile she couldn't forget, even if she wanted to. She couldn't remember if she had ever met the Halperts, nothing seemed to jump to mind, but she had no doubt that was Jim's parents.

Without being able to stop herself she looked around for Jim. She wanted so desperately for him to be there, but she didn't see him.

He wasn't there.

It shouldn't have surprised her. It really shouldn't have.

But it did.

He had always been there for her. That is, until his whole confession had happened and he had left. But before that he was always the one she could go to for comfort. She thought he would be here today. She didn't want to admit it, but she needed him there. She needed to be able to lean on him, to spill her innermost secret, and to have him tell her everything would be all right.

She needed him.

She knew she always would too. She just didn't think he needed her anymore.

Or wanted her for that matter.

A new set of tears filled her eyes and began to run down her cheeks. To anyone who watched her, it would seem as if she was grieving for the man she loved for years, the man she was supposed to marry, but didn't. She had loved Roy. There was no denying that. No one had to know exactly what happened. It was her personal issue.

She looked around the room again and noticed Ryan standing outside the double doors in back on the phone. She wondered who he would be talking to in the middle of a funeral, but brushed it off as she brushed the tear off her cheek. It didn't matter. Not really. Ryan was there to support her. He was a good friend.

For a brief moment she let herself imagine that he was talking to Jim. That he was explaining everything, or at least everything he knew, that had taken place. But she knew that wasn't the case. Jim hadn't spoken to anyone since he left.

And that infuriated her. She pushed thoughts of him out of her head and made herself focus on the words from the minister. She wouldn't think about Jim. Not today.

And if she could help it, never again.

--

**A/N: This author's note is really just here to beg for reviews. So, I'm begging…leave some words, let me know what you think. I thrive off getting them.**


	8. The Right Thing

**A/N: Whoo-hoo! I'm super excited to be posting this tonight, just because it means I was able to get it done before I go on vacation. I most likely won't get a chance to update until I get back. Sorry! (Well, honestly not really, my sister and I are road tripping it for the next two weeks. We are pretty excited.) Anyways, this is slightly fillerish, but more great stuff to come. Leave me some reviews to gawk over. Maybe if I get a chance I'll be able to write while I'm not driving. :)**

**Thanks to Katie, my awesome beta for getting this back to me so quickly! I sure do apperciate it!**

**Disclaimer: The Office is not mine to claim.**

**--**

Jim slammed his fist against the steering wheel in complete aggravation. His windows were rolled down, letting the summer breeze penetrate his car and nose, and the sound system was turned up, the sounds of **AC/DC** filling the car. He let the rock music fill his brain, attempting to keep himself calm. He knew that it didn't make sense, but this CD was the thing he would listen to when he was anxious, nervous, or aggravated. He was glad he had grabbed it because it was definitely coming in handy today.

His car was creeping along the highway at no more than ten miles and hour due to an accident about two miles up the road. He took a deep breath and assured himself it was better now. At least he was moving some now.

Jim hated traffic, always had. In Scranton he hadn't had to deal with much traffic and he had always been grateful for that. He had to adjust in Stamford to adding an extra ten minutes to his commute to work in order to plan for the unpredictable traffic. It was one of the many things he had forced himself to come to terms with.

Jim glanced at the clock on his dashboard for the thirtieth time in the last ten minutes, and couldn't keep himself from groaning anyways. The service would long be over by now, as would the graveside memorial. He had been hoping to make it for at least that.

He wasn't sure exactly what had possessed him to decide that being there is what he needed to do. But it had, so here he was, nearly two hours after getting off the phone with Ryan, sitting in traffic, counting the minutes as they passed.

Jim let himself drift back over the last several hours of his life. Everything was beginning to change again. His heart wasn't sure how to take the news that Ryan had delivered. It seemed almost too good to be true, but it was. He knew it was.

_She wasn't married. She called it off._

Those two sentences had filled Jim's heart with excitement as Ryan spoke quietly from the parlor of the church the service was being held at.

_She didn't marry Roy._

He couldn't believe it. Then again, part of him could. It was what he had asked her to do. He had asked her not to marry Roy when he had kissed her on Casino Night. And she hadn't.

But just as fast as the excitement of that had hit him, another feeling hit. Anger.

It was a near illogical feeling to have, but it was there, stirring deep down in his chest. Pure anger. Anger that she hadn't called him to tell him, for letting him find out through someone else, and for simply ignoring everything that he had said to her over a month ago… or seemingly ignored.

But she hadn't married Roy. That had to mean something, right? The questions rolled around in his head, refusing to allow him to relax, and his nerves were becoming even more strained. He wanted to know why. Why she hadn't married Roy. Why she had called him from Maui but didn't say anything. Why she hadn't called him after that.

All he really wanted to do was talk to her.

He shook his head. He knew it sounded stupid, but he was hurt she hadn't taken a second to call him. Everyone else in the office had. Even if he hadn't read the emails or listened to the voicemail messages, he knew what they were now. They had all called to tell him.

Why hadn't she?

He shook his head in an attempt to make himself stop thinking about it. He didn't want to let himself stir in anger so that when he finally arrived in Scranton he'd be so angry he'd confront her without thinking. He knew they needed to talk, or at least he wanted to think that, and being upset wouldn't help the cause at all.

He flipped open his phone as he waited to move again and scrolled through his contacts until he arrived at her cell phone number. His thumb hovered over the send button for a solid minute before he flipped it shut again.

He wasn't about to start this conversation over the phone. He needed to talk to her, in person. He wasn't going to give her an opportunity to hide anymore.

--

Pam was exhausted. It had been a long day, and she was ready to get out of the confining black dress and into something more comfortable. Her parents hadn't wanted to leave her alone, but she had insisted she needed to have the night to herself. They had argued with her for a little while, but in the end she had won, only after promising to meet them for breakfast the next morning.

Pam was now curled up on her couch in her small apartment, in a old baggy tee-shirt, over-sized sweatpants, and Jim's Dunder-Mifflin sweatshirt wrapped around her small frame. Her feet were curled up underneath her as she flipped through the channels of her TV.

She really wasn't actually in the mood to watch TV; she was just looking for something to distract her. Maybe spending the night in by herself wasn't the best plan. She finally settled on an old movie, and settled back against the soft cushions of her couch and glanced at the clock. It was only five o'clock. It felt as if it should be midnight to Pam, and she sighed. She was afraid the day was never going to end.

Picking up her sketchbook from the coffee table, she allowed her hand to move quickly and smoothly over the paper, her mind not connecting with the lines being placed down. It took her a while before she realized what she was drawing.

Tears then began to trail down her cheeks until they made droplet marks on her newest sketch of him. Jim's piercing eyes were looking back at her from the paper, and she allowed herself to cry openly. She cried for herself, for Jim, for Roy, and for her baby. There were so many tears, and she eventually drifted off into sleep.

--

"I can't believe I'm doing this," Jim said to himself as he drummed his fingers against his steering wheel. "What made me think this was a good idea?"

The empty space of his parked car didn't answer and he groaned, resting his head against the curve of his steering wheel. He picked up his phone and glanced at the text message that he had received from Ryan just about an hour ago, and reread the contents for the twentieth time. He glanced up at the building in front of him and nodded his head.

He was there.

His hand reached for the car door handle and then stopped, pulling back.

"Just go," he told himself, "you need to do this."

After a few more minutes of talking himself into knocking on her door, he was walking up the stairs slowly, running the things he wanted to say to her over and over again in his head.

Questions he wanted answered mostly. The ones that asked why she had waited and not told him. Questions that demanded his attention to why they couldn't have been together a month or more ago. The question of whether or not she wanted to be with him at all.

That was what scared him the most.

The thought that had been plaguing him somewhere around an hour into his drive.

She hadn't called him. She hadn't told him her marriage was off. So, what if that meant that even though she'd called her wedding off, she didn't want to be with him either. What if just calling the wedding off was something she had needed to do anyways. What if she didn't love him.

The what ifs flooded his mind, and he stopped short of the top of the stairwell. Collapsing in one giant huff, he sat down on the front step and cradled his head in his hands. Scenarios that weren't going to end well for him started playing on a continuous roll in his mind, and tears threatened to spill over onto his cheeks. He had allowed himself to think the very best and now that was all crashing down around him.

"Suck it up Halpert," he told himself harshly, "you need to know the truth."

Taking in a deep breath, he rose and walked the rest of the way to Pam's apartment door. Pausing for a moment, he brought his fist up to knock only to lower it again. Jim's arm made that same motion a few times before he actually convinced himself to make contact with the door.

The first knock was so gentle and quiet that he was convinced she hadn't heard it. After a few moments of silence from inside, he brought up his hand to knock again. This time he heard rustling around inside and his heart nearly stopped.

"Coming," her voice called from inside, and Jim shoved his hands deep into his pockets to keep them from grabbing her the moment she opened the door. He only had to wait a few more seconds before the door came swinging open.

"Hel…" Pam's voice cut off when she raised her head to meet the guest at her door. Standing there was Jim. Her Jim. Smiling awkwardly, rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet, his hands pushed deep into his pockets.

"Hey," his voice responded and Pam felt her knees go weak. "I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry…"

Pam's thoughts were everywhere as the words started flowing from his mouth. She wasn't sure she could believe he was actually there, standing in front of her, almost as nothing had happened, when in fact, everything had.

"Jim?"

"Pam…"

"What? How? I don't understand."

"Maybe we should talk? Can we do that?"

Pam pondered his question for a brief moment. She wanted nothing more than to throw her arms around him, but there was something stopping her. Something she couldn't quite name.

Slowly she nodded. "I guess we could talk."

"Good," Jim said with a smile. "Can I…"

Pam moved aside to let him into her apartment, confusion still etched in her face. She wasn't sure if she was dreaming or not, but when he brushed by her she felt goosebumps all up and down her arm.

This was real.

He was there. In her apartment.

And she knew she didn't want him to leave again.

--

**A/N: So, he's finally back. What will they say? You tell me...**


	9. Confrontations of the Past

**A/N: So...I'm back! And my vacation was fantastic! We were able to do so much...NYC is great. If you have never gone I would greatly recommend it! Anyways, back to my story. Here is another chapter. I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Is this really still needed. I wouldn't be on here if I did.**

--

_The autumn air whipped around Pam's shoulders, causing her to shudder and pull her sweater closer to her. Her eyes were fixated on a metal swing-set where an auburn-haired boy was kicking his legs furiously, sending himself higher and higher. She could hear his laugh and see his smile and she knew. She knew he was her son._

_She felt herself smile and sat back against the park bench, and continued to watch her son. A few minutes later he stopped swinging and his grin grew even brighter. Jumping off the swing, he ran behind her and flung himself into a man's waiting arms._

_She couldn't see his face—her son was blocking her view—but she heard her child's voice exclaim a very excited 'daddy' and Pam's heart nearly stopped. She wanted to get closer but couldn't move. She was stuck there, watching the scene unfold before her eyes, but unable to join it._

_The pictures around her were growing fuzzy and off in the distance she heard a light pounding. She strained to hear the conversation between her son and the man he called daddy, but the pounding was growing louder and louder, pulling her farther and farther away from her family…_

Pam's eyes fluttered open and she heard knocking at her door. The room was much darker than it was before, the evidence of the sun sinking lower in the sky, bringing on nighttime. She stood and stretched and then heard the knocking again.

"Coming," she called towards the front of her apartment as she struggled to adjust the sweatpants on her waist. As she stumbled towards the door, she flipped on the kitchen light to illuminate the main section of her apartment and gripped the door handle. "Hel…"

It was Jim. Standing there on her front porch, hair flying in the wind, and hands shoved deep into his pockets. He rolled back on his heels and Pam blinked several times to make sure she wasn't still dreaming. She forced herself to focus when she realized he was speaking.

"Hey," he said with a smile, and Pam felt her knees go weak. She was glad she was still holding on to the door. "I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry."

"Jim?" she heard herself ask in a squeak. She was having a hard time concentrating and even worse time forming a coherent thought.

"Pam…"

Her name on his lips caused memories to flood back from the night he had laid everything on the line only to run away before she had a chance to respond, and she finally broke through her paralyzed state.

"What? How? I don't understand…"

Her words were jumbled and she watched as a flicker of amusement passed through his eyes for a brief second, only to be replaced with an intense look. Pam was sure she detected hurt in his eyes.

"Maybe we should talk," he suggested, "Can we do that?"

"I guess we could talk," she answered, her eyes never leaving his. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and hold him tight, but there was an invisible barrier between them.

"Good," he answered with a smile, and she was tempted to throw caution to the wind and embrace him, but she held back. "Um, can I…"

She nodded as he motioned his request to actually come in her apartment, and moved aside to let him through. She pressed herself up against the wall so that he would slide by her without them touching and followed him into the living room.

Noticing her still open sketchbook on the coffee table, she grabbed it and slid it closed motioning for him to have a seat. The silence encased the room and Pam felt the tension rising. Finally, unable to take it anymore, she spoke.

"What are you doing here Jim?"

Jim spoke at the same time, "Why didn't you call me?"

They shared a quick smile and Jim took a deep breath. "I guess I will answer first."

"Okay," she said with a quick nod and folded her legs up under her. He was sitting on her couch and she was sitting on her love seat, and they were angled towards each other. Pam felt millions of miles away from him though, as she waited for him to continue.

"My mom called me this morning," he told her, and she furrowed her brow in confusion. "She wanted to know if I was almost in town, and I didn't have a clue as to why. Even after she told me I wasn't sure I completely believed her. I just…"

"I don't think I really believe it myself," Pam assured him. "It seems surreal. All of it really. Calling off the wedding, him dying…everything."

"Why didn't you call me Pam?" Jim asked, unable to keep the question unanswered any longer. "After you called it off I mean. Why?"

"You left." The words were short and cold and Pam really didn't care. She was still upset about that, and wanted to make sure that he knew it.

"But…"

"No Jim," she interrupted, "you left. You told me you loved me, kissed me, told me you would wait, and then the next thing I knew you were gone. No note, no forwarding address, nothing. I guess I just figured you didn't mean what you said."

"That isn't true."

"It isn't?" Pam asked, her voice growing in volume. "Then please explain to me what it was Jim. Cause I sure as hell couldn't figure it out. I got back and Michael said you were gone. Frankly Jim, I was pissed."

"You went to your parents to work on wedding plans," Jim started, and Pam shook her head. "That is what Roy told me."

"I lied to him Jim," Pam said, her hands folded neatly in her lap. "I couldn't tell him that I was going to my parents' in order to rethink my life and relationship with him, could I? I wanted to make sure I knew exactly what I was doing before…"

"You could have told me that."

"When?" Pam yelled, her irritation starting to take over. "When I got back? Cause I'm pretty sure you weren't here when I got back."

"You could have called me," Jim offered.

"Okay," Pam said with a shrug, "you're right. I could have, but I wanted to tell Roy before I told you. I figured…I figured I'd have a chance to let you know what I was doing…"

"But I left."

"Yeah."

"And you didn't call me after you called it off," Jim stated and Pam shook her head.

"By then," Pam started a tear escaping down her cheek, "by then I thought it was too late."

"Too late?"

"I called the wedding off on the day of the wedding, Jim."

"But I thought…"

"Jim, I've never been good at making decisions or stepping out of my comfort zone," Pam continued. "When you told me…well, when you said what you did, it really made me think. Made me reevaluate everything in my life. Roy was comfortable. Something I had always known. You pushed me to see that there was more to life than ordinary."

Pam paused for a moment and took a shaky breath before continuing. "It was a big deal for me to even consider not marrying Roy. And then when I got back and you were gone, I didn't know what to think. And I questioned everything that I had thought over the weekend. And it caused me to stay with Roy."

"Pam, I didn't…"

"Please just let me finish Jim," Pam asked him and Jim nodded, waiting for her to continue. "I was confused and hurt, and Roy was there. He had always been there. But, when I was standing in front of the mirror, with my hair done and makeup on getting ready to slip into my wedding dress, I couldn't see myself walking down the aisle to him."

"When I closed my eyes, it wasn't Roy that I saw…it was you. And I knew…I knew I couldn't marry him. Even if I never saw you again."

Pam's voice broke and tears streamed down her face. _Damn hormones,_ she cursed as she grabbed a tissue from the coffee table. She kept her eyes focused on the carpet and let the silence wrap itself around her. She was too afraid to look up into Jim's eyes, so she stared at the carpet, studying the fibers and memorizing the pattern. Anything to keep her eyes focused downwards.

Jim watched as the woman he loved broke and the tears came to her eyes. It killed him knowing that he had put that pain in her heart, and struggled with the knowledge she had just provided. She hadn't said it exactly, but he was sure that she loved him too.

In a split second decision, he left his post on the couch and went to kneel in front of her. He kept his hands from touching her, afraid he wouldn't be able to hold himself back if he allowed himself to hold her now. He paused for a moment before he spoke.

"I never wanted to hurt you Pam," he said quietly, "and I'm sorry that I did. I was selfish when I told you I felt that way. Can you forgive me?"

"There isn't anything to forgive," she answered allowing herself to look up at him. "You saved me from a half-lived life, Jim. I should be thanking you."

"But…"

"Yeah okay," she interrupted placing her finger over his lips to shush him, "you probably could have choose a better time, like months and months ago, but I don't regret what that night made me realize."

"I have to tell you something," Jim said, "I still feel the same way. I'm pretty sure I always will."

Pam smiled genuinely for the first time since she'd opened the door, and Jim reached up to cup her cheek. He let his thumb massage the air of skin it grazed, and it sent shivers down her spine.

"You have no idea how grateful I am to hear you say that," Pam whispered.

"I would really like to kiss you right now," Jim told her in barely and whisper and Pam's eyes brightened.

"Well then," she said coyly, "what's keeping you?"

One second later Jim's lips met Pam's and she leaned down into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, afraid he would wake up and this would all be a dream. A wonderfully horrible dream.

When the need for oxygen finally broke through their senses, Jim pulled away and rested his forehead against hers. Jim felt her smile before he opened his eyes and smiled in return.

"Wow," she breathed and Jim nodded in agreement. "We've wasted a lot of time, huh?"

"I wouldn't necessarily consider it a waste," Jim argued, "but I do agree that we shouldn't wait any longer."

Pam nodded and pulled Jim up on the loveseat with her. She reclined into his chest as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. Pam's heart started racing as she realized she had left out one very important detail and pulled away.

"Pam?"

"I have to tell you something," she breathed, playing with the tie on her sweatshirt. "I just…"

"What is it?"

"I don't want this to change anything Jim," she said, tears filling her eyes again. "I want this so much."

"Nothing you say can change my mind about us, Pam," Jim assured her, placing his lips gently against hers for a brief second. "Nothing."

"Okay," she said with an unconvincing nod, and her hands landed on her stomach. "I'm not sure…"

"Pam, please tell me what is wrong."

"Jim," Pam started again hesitantly, "you need to know that if…I mean that if something happens with us, between us…"

Jim laced his fingers through hers and gave them a reassuring squeeze. Pam pressed her eyelids together and took a shaky breath.

"If we decided to start something," Pam started again, "a relationship…you have to know that you aren't just getting me."

"What?"

"Jim," Pam started again, "what I'm very unsuccessfully trying to say is that I'm…I'm pregnant."

"You're…?"

"Yeah," she said with a half smile, "I'm going to have a baby."

--

**A/N: Things are starting to look up aren't they? I guess you'll just have to wait and see. I'm evil, aren't I?**


	10. Real Life Sneaks Up On Ya

**A/N: Yay another chapter update! And I really like this one. Hope you enjoy.**

**Another wonderful thank you to my beta **_**Katie**_** for proofreading this and making sure I don't come across looking like an idiot! You rock!**

**Disclaimer: The Office is not mine.**

**--**

Jim's head was swimming. Pam's words were rolling around and around in his head, refusing to be ignored or forgotten or even accepted. He laid on his back, one hand firmly tucked under his head and the other at his side, his eyes wide open. He was pretty sure he hadn't moved a muscle in hours.

Pam was pregnant. With Roy 's child.

The thought alone nearly made him sick. He was riding this vicious rollercoaster of emotions and wanted desperately to get off. Jim sat up and leaned back against his headboard. Glancing at the clock, he groaned out loud. It was nearing four am and Jim figured he wouldn't be sleeping much tonight.

His mind kept going between being happy he was finally going to be with Pam, upset because Roy will always have a hold over them, and then angry at himself for being upset. He was mostly going back and forth between being angry and upset right now, and Jim didn't know what to do.

"_I'm pregnant." Those words had penetrated his mind and he looked at Pam for confirmation. She nodded slowly and Jim let out a breath._

"_Wow," he said. "How long?"_

"_I'm guessing about six weeks, but I won't know for sure until I see the doctor next week."_

"_Wow."_

"_Yeah, I know. Listen Jim…"_

"_No," he interrupted, "don't say anything. Not yet, okay?" Pam nodded and he continued talking, rubbing his thumbs against her hands. "Can we just have dinner and curl up on the couch with a movie for tonight?"_

_Pam nodded, tears started filling her eyes._

"_Hey, don't cry," Jim said wrapping his arms around her tightly. "I love you Pam, I do. I just need to wrap my head around this, okay?"_

"_I get it Jim, I do. It is the stupid hormones, I'm sorry."_

"_Don't apologize," Jim whispered, "it's okay. I'll make dinner. You wanna pick out the movie?"_

"_Sure," Pam agreed, reluctant to pull away from him, "I have to use the ladies room anyways. Thanks Jim."_

"_Don't thank me yet," Jim teased, "I haven't even cooked yet, it might not even be edible."_

"_Very funny," Pam shook her head and pulled on her sweatshirt. "Make me food, Halpert. I'm hungry!"_

"_Yes ma'am. Dinner is coming up."_

Jim had then retreated in the kitchen to get dinner ready for them and to let himself start thinking about everything. The only thing he came up with for sure was that this didn't change anything for him. He had always wanted a family, especially one with Pam, and that just seemed as if it was going to happen a lot faster than he realized.

_But it isn't really your baby, _a part of his brain mocked him, _so, that really isn't your family._

Jim fought his thoughts back, "just because I may not have donated DNA for this child doesn't mean I can't love him or her just as much as if I had. Family isn't just about DNA."

_But it is Roy 's baby, _his mind kept going, _do you think she'd go back to him if he were still alive. She is having his kid._

"But she called off the wedding because she knew she didn't love him," he argued himself, "a baby doesn't change that."

_But you know Pam,_ his inner-self countered; _she would have done what was right._

"You don't know that," Jim said aloud, "you don't."

Jim took a second to pause and realized that was his major fear about the whole thing. He didn't know why it was affecting him so much. It didn't matter—Roy wasn't coming back—and so he couldn't lose her to him again.

"Suck it up Halpert," he chastised himself, "this isn't going to be completely easy, but you can do it."

Jim, determined to get some sleep, laid himself back down and squeezed his eyes shut. There wasn't much more he could do tonight about it but worry, and that wasn't getting him anywhere. He knew that he should share his fears with Pam, but he doubted he could do that.

"I don't want to worry her about nothing," Jim told himself, "it's nothing."

--

Pam slept fitfully. Tossing and turning, her mind was unable to turn off. She couldn't believe she had told Jim like that, just blurted it out, without really thinking about it. It was too soon. That was evident when he pulled away and gave a less than stellar response.

She didn't blame him though. She was having a hard time wrapping her mind around it too. She couldn't believe that one night had changed this. One time. Pam shook her head.

And now she was going to be a single parent.

A small smile formed on her lips. _Maybe I won't have to be a single parent;_ she thought to herself and then promptly shook her head again. _I can't do that to myself. I can't get my hopes up for something he seemed way too uncomfortable with._

She rubbed her stomach gently. As scared as she was about raising a baby, the thought of having to do it alone terrified her.

"I'm going to be the best mommy I can be," she whispered into the darkness, "I promise you little baby, I'll do my best."

Pam's stomach fluttered, and she smiled thinking about the baby that lay in there. She knew that biologically it was too early to actually feel the baby move, but something argued in her head that she had indeed felt her child move inside her.

"I love you already little one," Pam continued whispering, "I do. And I know that this is going to be hard, but we'll get through it, together. I promise to tell you about your dad too, even though he isn't here anymore, and I hope you give you a really good step-daddy. I'm working on that little one."

Pam yawned and leaned back against her pillows. She let her eyes close and quickly drifted off to sleep.

--

Jim sat on the patio at his parents' house and nursed a cup of coffee. The sun was just beginning to rise over the hills as he was lost in thought. It wasn't long before his father joined him.

"You're up early for being on vacation," Kevin Halpert commented before drinking from his own cup. "I figured you'd be in bed all day."

"This isn't that kind of vacation dad," Jim answered, "you know that. And I'm not up early, I'm up late."

"You didn't sleep at all?"

"Maybe an hour," Jim shrugged, "I just…I just couldn't turn my mind off long enough to get to sleep."

"Anything you want to talk about son?"

"No," Jim answered fast, "yes, I don't know. It's complicated."

"It's about a woman," Kevin filled in and Jim looked up shocked. "What? I know that look Jim. Don't try and deny it."

"I won't."

"So," Kevin continued, "why is it complicated? Besides the fact that her ex-fiancé just died."

"I can't say right now," Jim answered honestly, "I promised her I wouldn't say anything about it yet. We need to really talk about it first."

"I'm not sure I understand why you even came home last night," Kevin said and Jim nearly spit out his coffee. "If I were you, I wouldn't have left her apartment until I knew what exactly she felt and what would happen."

"It isn't that easy dad," Jim answered, "God, I feel like I'm back in high school."

"You aren't."

"I know."

"Do you?"

"I think that is pretty obvious," Jim replied, "I moved away, I pay my own bills, I'm very much an adult."

"Just because you pay your bills, Jim, doesn't mean that you always act like an adult. I don't know exactly what happened to make you move away, but I know you ran away from something. Just like you are thinking about doing now."

"I'm not thinking about running away."

"You aren't?"

"No, not really."

"Not really?"

"Dad," Jim started his frustration growing, "I just…I've wanted to be with her for so long."

"So be with her," Kevin said simply.

"I want to make sure she is okay with everything first."

"Everything? I'm assuming that isn't just the death of the fiancé, huh? Then I only have this advice for you: be happy Jim. And don't let her get away because you are afraid of pushing her away."

Jim nodded as Kevin retreated back into the house.

_Dad is right, _Jim thought to himself, _I can't let this hinder anything. I have to talk to her. We have to work all of this out. _

Jim took the stairs back up to his childhood room two at a time and in five minutes was out the door.

--

"So then he just left?" Morgan Beesly asked from the other line of the phone, "just like that?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, we watched a movie and ate dinner, but we really didn't talk about too much," Pam answered, careful to leave out the details of her pregnancy with her sister. Jim was the only one she had told at this point, and she didn't want to let the cat out of the bag this early.

"Wow sis," Morgan laughed, "you sure do have a power over men."

"What are you talking about?"

"You have the power to make any man fall for you," Morgan said, "you just never realize it. It's great though. You and Jim are amazing together."

"Okay, first off I don't have the power to make any man fall for me, and two, how would you know that we are amazing together?"

"I just know," Morgan answered, and Pam could imagine the smirk that was plastered on her sister's face. "Besides, if he was brave enough to confess his love for you while you were engaged to Roy and then kiss you, I think he's a keeper. Plus, you called off your wedding for him…"

"That isn't entirely true…"

"Don't lie Pam," Morgan argued, "I know you well enough to see past that. Now, what are you going to do about this?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Morgan drew out her words, "you aren't going to let him leave to go back to Stamford without making this official."

"I don't know where it is going to lead Morgan," Pam told her, "but rest assured, I'm going to make sure we discuss things before he leaves."

"Good," Morgan declared, "well sis, I love you but I got to go. Talk to you later?"

"Definitely. I'll let you know what happens, I always do."

"Good, bye."

"Bye," Pam answered, setting the phone on its holder and resting her hand on her stomach, "I can't believe I didn't tell her about you. She'll kill me when she finds out that I knew and didn't say anything."

"But it doesn't matter yet," Pam continued, "I just won't tell her that I knew. She'll forgive me."

Pam was interrupted by a frantic knock on the door. Tugging at her t-shirt, she went to answer it. Jim's face stared back at her.

"Jim?"

He didn't say anything, he just pulled her into a kiss. Pam responded by wrapping her arms around him and pulling him closer. He kicked the door closed and kept her close.

"I'm so sorry," he breathed against her mouth, "for shutting down last night. For not talking to you. That was so wrong…"

"It's okay," she whispered back, "I'm sorry I dumped it on you like that. I shouldn't have done that…"

"Have you told anyone else?"

"No," she answered, "I wanted to confirm it with the doctor first."

"When is your appointment?"

"Tuesday afternoon," she replied, "it was the soonest they could get me in."

"Can I go with you?"

"Won't you be back in Stamford?"

"No," Jim replied shaking his head, "I took a week off. I'm here until at least next Friday."

"At least?"

"Well," Jim said, taking a step back, "I guess it really depends on what you say."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll move back here for you," Jim replied, "all you have do to is tell me you want me to."

"Jim," Pam stammered, "I couldn't possibly ask you to do that for me. I've already upset your life enough…"

"Nonsense," Jim interrupted her pulling her back into a deep kiss, "you've made my world perfect."

Pam failed to keep the giggle that line caused and Jim looked at her with mock hurt, "what Beesly, was that line too cheesy for you?"

"Maybe just a little," she replied, and Jim smiled broadly.

"Is this?" he asked, and bent down on one knee, "marry me."

--

**A/N: He-he-he (in my best evil laugh) pretty all I can say there! **

**So, in a complete and unfazed attempt to push my newest story, I'm going to insist if you haven't, check out my new story, "Every Other Weekend." Though I will warn you...it's different…and very angst-y. Hope you enjoy!**


	11. Reactions

Pam stared at him, dumbfounded

**A/N: I've got another chapter update after a very slow day at work. I actually hadn't planned on writing this, but stuff just started spewing out, so here we are. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**Thanks so much to my ever patient beta _Katie_. I couldn't have done it without you, or I could have and it would have been a mess, beyond words.**

**Disclaimer: The Office is not mine. But I think you all know that already.**

**--**

Pam stared at him, dumbfounded. Pure shock was etched on her face at his move, and she had to go and sit down on her couch. Jim followed, although uncomfortably silent, and sat down next to her, with just enough space between them that they weren't touching.

They sat there, for what Pam envisioned to be hours, neither one of them speaking, as Pam reenacted the whole scene again and again in her head. She tried to convince herself that he was teasing, that it was just a joke, but she knew in her heart that it wasn't. He was being completely serious, and she didn't know what to say.

Jim shifted in his seat and Pam knew he was about to say something. Not wanting to meet his eyes, she picked a piece of carpet couch, and focused on it intently.

"I…" Jim started before his words faltered, "Pam…"

He paused, and Pam felt him shift again. Tearing her eyes away from the couch, she forced herself to look at him. It pained her to see him in such despair, but she couldn't speak, paralyzed by her own fear. So she waited for him to start talking again.

It was several minutes before he did.

"Pam," his voice started again, raspy with emotion, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't…"

"I don't want to hear you say that you shouldn't have proposed, Jim," she interrupted him, speaking for the first time in nearly fifteen minutes.

"But Pam…"

"Please don't Jim," she begged, tears threatening to pour from her eyes, "I know you probably shouldn't have, but I don't think I want you to take it back either."

"But, you aren't ready to marry me either."

The finality of Jim's words stung her, but she knew he was right. She wasn't ready to marry Jim, no matter what she felt about him. It was too soon, they both knew that, so she wasn't sure what he was thinking when he had asked her that all too important question when he entered her apartment.

"Jim…"

"No, I get it," he answered, "I really do. I don't know what I was thinking asking you like that. I was out of line."

"I don't want you to regret it," Pam told him, "or have that hinder you from asking again, in the future sometime."

"Pam…"

"I'm serious Jim," Pam assured him, reaching out to place her hand gently over his, "I just need time. We need time, and you still live hours away."

Jim threaded his fingers through hers, a sense of calm flowing over him at her words, and nodded at her. She really had changed, become braver, stronger, and he admired her for it. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would make an amazing mother to the child she was carrying. He also knew that he would wait forever to be able to call her his wife.

--

Several months passed after Jim's appearance at Pam's apartment, and with each declaration and promise, things were looking up for the couple.

Well, as up as a long distance relationship would allow. Pam had convinced Jim that staying in Stamford was what was best for him. His job at the Stamford branch was too good for him to come back to Scranton and to his old job. Jim, though he fought it, finally relented and stayed under Josh's management. She really hadn't been wrong, and he knew that she really was just looking out for him.

He traveled to Scranton every weekend regardless, unable to stay away from her for more than a week, and they talked on the phone every night. They took their time in developing a long-standing relationship, and Jim knew that it was just a matter of time before he proposed again. Even if it had only been a few months.

Jim looked up from his computer screen just in time to see Jan walk through the door in a frenzy, and determinedly walked towards Josh's office. Just before she shut the door she motioned for Jim to join them.

Locking his computer, he noticed a new email message, but ignored it for the time being and went to see what Jan needed.

"So," Jan started as she sat down across from Josh's desk, "we are still working out logistics, but we will be closing the Scranton branch at the end of the month."

Jim couldn't help it, but his mouth dropped open. "What?"

The rumors had been flying all week about the possibility of the Scranton branch closing, and he and Pam had talked about it the other night, but nothing had been said for sure. He wondered if they knew already. He was so lost in his thought that he missed whatever Jan had said to him.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I was just saying how Josh would be running what is now known as Dunder-Mifflin Northeast, and if you would like the job, you'll be his number two."

"Oh...yeah, of course."

"I'm sorry Jan, but I'm going to have to stop you there," Josh interrupted and Jim and Jan both looked over at him expectantly, "but I will not be taking the job."

"What?" Jan hissed, and Jim's eyes bulged. He knew he was about to bear witness to something that would probably later be known in the Dunder-Mifflin world as extraordinary.

"As of this morning I accepted a senior management position for Staples," Josh explained, and Jim braced himself for Jan's wrath.

He wasn't left disappointed. Jan exploded, Josh wouldn't make eye contact, and Jim was forced into the conference room while Jan paced and spoke animatedly into the phone in another empty room. He wondered what this would mean for them here and in Scranton. About a million scenarios had run through his mind when Jan walked in only moments later.

"Okay," she stated simply and tightly, "It appears as if right now Scranton will be the one to absorb Stamford. We are still working on logistics in a different level now, and I know you just left there a few months ago, but the job still stands…"

"I'll take it," Jim said quickly, "I mean…"

"I get it," Jan said with a knowing smile, "it'll be good to be close to Pam again huh?"

"What…how…?"

"I'm a good observer," she said with a shrug, "I'll work out all the details and get back to you, but right now I need to head to Scranton and talk to Michael. You can tell Pam the good news if you want."

"Thanks Jan," Jim said and rolled back on his heels, "when will the merger be taking place?"

"Hopefully within a week or two," she answered, "apparently Josh starts his new job right away so the sooner the better."

"Okay," Jim said, "sounds good. Thanks Jan."

Jan was out the door only seconds later, and he went and sat back down at his computer. Jim counted down in his head: 3, 2, 1…and on cue, Andy turned around.

"So Big Tuna," he drawled, "what was that all about?"

"Is it about the merger?" Karen asked from behind him, and Jim shrugged. Things between them had been pretty strained when he had first come back from that first visit to Scranton, but over time they were able to regain a semblance of friendship or, at least civility.

"I can't disclose anything yet," Jim answered honestly, "that is why I've been trapped in the conference room for the past thirty minutes."

Pulling up his email, he realized that the email he had ignored when Jan first arrived was indeed from Pam, just as he had suspected.

**From: PBeesley**

**To: JHalpert**

**Subject: What a day…**

**Hey. So…um, it looks like I might be out of a job. Good timing right? I mean, seriously. Here I am, six months pregnant and going to have to try and look for another job. I'm sure by now you know about us closing, or at least you do now. Crazy right? We have been worried about it for years and now here it is, and I'm pregnant. It's been a tough day. Can't lie about that. And this is not to make you feel bad, but I really wish you could hug me right now. I need a hug from my best friend.**

**I guess I'll call you tonight.**

**Love you,**

**Pam**

He smiled at the words before her name, unable to comprehend those words from her. It still amazed him, even now, and he wouldn't have it any other way. Jim glanced up at the clock and groaned. The day hadn't even really started. Then Jim made a decision. Grabbing his bag, cell phone, and keys, he left the office, completely focused on a mission.

--

Pam stared at her inbox, willing an email to appear from him, the tears in her eyes barely kept at bay. She hated being this emotional, this easy to turn from happy to sad, and she hung her head. She was worried; it had been over two hours since she had emailed him, and he never took that long to respond. Pam took a second and glanced down at her phone, but there were no texts either. She wondered what was happening in Stamford to keep him from contacting her at all.

He'd been so great since he'd surprised her after Roy's funeral, and their relationship was growing strong. She sometimes hated herself for not begging him to move back to Scranton, but she also knew that the job in Stamford, even if it was still with Dunder-Mifflin, was better for him. She wondered if this merger was the universe telling her that she could take the risk and move closer to him.

She would definitely have to keep that in mind as she planned what she would do.

Resting her hand on her now huge stomach, she grinned. No one knew what the sex of the baby was, not even Jim, as she had just found out the day before. She was excited and couldn't wait to show him the ultrasound, and go shopping like he'd promised months ago.

The phone rang, startling Pam from her daze.

"Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam."

"Hey little sister!" Morgan Beesly practically yelled into the phone, "How are you feeling today?"

"I'm good," Pam answered happily. "I haven't had any morning sickness in nearly a week, and it's great."

"I'm glad," she said and paused for a moment, "So…"

"I'm still not telling you Morgan," Pam sighed, "I'm telling Jim first."

"That is not fair!" Morgan cried, "Come on sis."

"Nope, you can wait."

"Elise and I want to know!"

"And you can wait until this weekend when we have dinner over at Mom and Dad's. I'm keeping the secret though, until I tell Jim."

"Fine," Morgan pouted trying to get Pam to change her mind. "I still don't think it is fair. I mean, hell, he knew about the pregnancy before us too!"

"We've been over this already, Morg."

"I know," she relented, "and I really don't mind. I'm just curious."

"Be patient," Pam said with a shake of her head. "Hey I've got to go, talk to you later?"

"Yeah, bye Pam."

"Bye Morgan."

Pam hung up the phone and looked around the office. It was mostly quiet, except for the sounds coming from people finishing up work and some even starting to pack up desks. You could hear Kelly from the annex, still crying, and Pam felt the tension in her neck grow.

"Pam," Jan greeted when she walked in the door, "where is Michael?"

"He's um…out," Pam supplied with a shrug of her shoulders, "with Dwight."

"God," Jan growled, "when will he be back?"

"I don't know," Pam told her, "he left without a word really. Sorry, is there a message for him?"

"What is going on here?" Jan asked, finally taking in the office, "I'm going to kill Michael. He mentioned the merger, didn't he?"

"Yeah," Kevin said, "he told us we were closing down."

"This is not the way to do this," Jan mumbled to herself, "but I don't care anymore. Scranton will not be closing. Stamford will."

"What?" Pam gasped, "Why?"

"Things came up at Stamford that changed the mind of corporate. You all will still have your jobs and will be welcoming a few new members of Stamford within the next several weeks."

Pam breathed a sigh of relief and waited for the commotion to die down before trying to get Jan's attention again. Her hand was resting gently on her stomach, and when Jan turned around Pam started talking before Jan had a chance to say anything else.

"Do you know who will be coming from Stamford?" Pam asked, feeling hopeful.

"The only one we know for sure is Jim," Jan answered with a knowing smile, "he jumped at the chance to come back here and be Michael's number two. You have any idea why that might be the case?"

"I…uh," Pam stammered, and Jan only smiled.

"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. Man, what a day," Jan sighed and slung her briefcase back over her shoulder, "Well, I'm leaving now. Tell Michael to call me when he gets back in. Bye Pam."

"Bye Jan," Pam answered with a nod and a smile. Jim was coming back, permanently, and she couldn't be happier.

--

**A/N: I can't wait to see what you guys think of this chapter...and yes, that is a blatant attempt to beg you for reviews. Thanks!**


	12. Back and Better Than Ever

**A/N: Hola fanfiction world! I'm back. I've been extrememly busy lately, which has caused this extreme delay in the updating of this chapter, and I hope you can forgive me. This is the last 'actual' chapter of this story, though an epilouge will be coming soon. I hope you enjoy and please reveiw!**

**Thanks again, as always, to my wonderful beta Katie! You rock.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own. Probably never will either.**

**--**

Jim sped towards Scranton, towards Pam, without really looking back. He hadn't gone home and would be without many extra clothes, but luckily enough he had started keeping a toothbrush at her apartment, so he would live.

He felt his phone buzz and pulled it out; Pam's name flashed on the screen and he bit his lip with excitement. He pressed ignore though, and vowed to call her back just as soon as he knew what he was going to say.

He had called Jan as he got into his car, letting her know that he would be taking the rest of the day off—and the rest of the week for that matter—to arrange his move, and she had quickly allowed it. Jim was positive she knew the move would be more than just that, but he trusted that she wouldn't say anything to Pam about his impromptu trip.

Jim was thankful that the traffic was light as he entered Scranton much quicker than he had hoped. Jim sped towards the Dunder-Mifflin office and sighed in relief when her car was parked in its normal space.

Grabbing his phone, he held the number two down until it started calling her, and he waited patiently until she answered in a hush, "It's about time."

"Hey," he answered casually as he heard her sigh, and he couldn't stop the grin from spreading on his face. "Sorry about not being able to answer earlier."

"I've been worried," Pam whispered, "you never emailed me back and then you ignored my call. Are you okay?"

"I'm great," Jim answered, "has Jan been by the office yet?"

"Yeah," Pam told him, "she left here about twenty minutes ago. So…"

"I'm moving back," Jim finished, "I think it's fate."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah," Jim teased, "now I just have to find somewhere to live and all that. I wonder if Mark still has an empty room at his condo…"

"When will you be in town?" Pam asked, side-stepping the discussion of living arrangements. "Jan didn't say when the merger would happen."

"Soon is all I know," Jim assured her, "the sooner the better if you ask me."

"I agree with that."

"Now," Jim started, redirecting their conversation, "what are your plans for lunch? You still craving hotdogs?"

"Oh god yes," Pam breathed, "I haven't been able to get enough of them. But I don't really have any plans for lunch. Why?"

"I want to take you out."

"To lunch?"

"Yup."

"But…"

Jim waited a few silent seconds as the meaning of his words finally dawned on her.

"OH MY GOD!" she exclaimed, much louder than he expected as he pulled the phone away from his ear briefly. "You are on your way here!"

"Nope," Jim told her, biting his lip to keep the laugh from bubbling up when he heard a sad 'oh' from her end. "I'm already here."

"I hate you," Pam growled but he heard the smile and relief in her voice. "Michael and Dwight aren't here, I think I'm going to have Ryan answer the phones and go home early. I'm not feeling very well all the sudden."

"You really should go home and lie down," Jim agreed with a knowing nod, even though she couldn't see him. "All the stress of the day is probably bad for the baby."

"Oh definitely," Pam giggled, "give me about ten minutes and I'll be at my apartment. You have your key?"

"Sure do," Jim pulled out of his parking space as he talked, "I'll meet you there with lunch."

"Thanks."

"Of course," Jim replied, and then disconnected the call. He'd be holding her in his arms in just ten short minutes. He couldn't wait.

--

It was several hours later, when they were curled up on her couch in front of the TV, when she remembered the ultrasound picture she had for him. In a rush to get it, she nearly tipped over the jug of lemonade she'd been drinking from.

"Whoops," she giggled as Jim looked at her questionably. She skipped to her bedroom and called back to him, "I have to show you something."

"What?" he asked leaning up and resting his hands on his knees in an odd attempt to stretch.

Pam came tip-toeing back from her bedroom, both hands behind her back in an effort to shield the manila envelope from his sight.

"Whatcha got there Beesly?" he asked, his smile growing. "Some sort of secret assignment for our dear friend Dwight?"

"Nope," she giggled, "though he is going to be quite disappointed that you are coming back. I can't wait to tell him!"

"Now, I think disappointed is a very heavy word," Jim argued, "he'll secretly be thrilled."

"You have to come up with something to prank him with when you get back," Pam begged him, "Please! He's been way to cocky with you gone!"

"Like he wasn't before I left?"

"Oh he was," Pam agreed, "but imagine that times like, a million, and that is what it is now. I can't stand it."

"And you haven't just pranked him yourself?"

"I was never as good coming up with stuff as you are."

"Awh, that isn't completely true. I'll teach you, just like I'll teach this little one here."

"Oh that reminds me," Pam sighed, gesturing to her right hand where the ultrasound lay neatly in its protective cover. "I have something to show you about the little one here." Her smile was radiant as she pulled the picture out, "you know I went to the doctor's yesterday…"

"Yeah?"

"They were able to tell me what I'm having, and I decided that I did want to know."

"You found out the sex of the baby?"

"Yup," Pam nodded happily, "and I thought you might want to know too."

"Are you sure?" Jim asked, "You don't have to tell me."

"I want to Jim…" Pam started then let her voice drop off, "I mean, I want to, if you still…"

"I love you Pam," Jim interrupted her, "and I already love this baby. Genetics don't mean anything to me."

"Really?"

"Really," Jim assured her, wrapping his hand around hers. "I promise to be the best fill-in father I can be."

Pam didn't try to hide her smile as she sat down next to him and played with the envelope in her hands. "Well then, I guess you should know the sex of…our baby."

Jim waited patiently for her to finally spill the beans and gripped her hand tighter when she didn't answer for several silent seconds.

"Come on woman," Jim drawled, "are you going to make me wait forever for this?"

"No," Pam grinned, "I'm just letting myself get used to it, to us."

"Pam?"

"It's good," Pam assured him, the tears spilling over her eyes, "it is just the hormones, I swear."

"Pam…"

"I want to marry you," she blurted out, and Jim eyes went wide with shock. "I know…I know I wasn't ready before, but these last months have made it even more clear to me that I belong with you, that we both do." She let her hand graze over her stomach and smiled up at him. "I guess what I'm trying to say, is Jim Halpert, will you marry us?"

Jim stared at her, dumbfounded, no coherent thoughts running through his mind, and Pam giggled a little. "You don't have to answer now, I know I kind of threw this at you without warning…"

"Yes." His answer was short, his voice showing all the emotion he was feeling. "Oh my god yes."

Pam smiled—more like glowed—as Jim wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She felt his lips against her cheek, her forehead, her ear, everywhere, and it was perfect.

"Is this really happening?" Jim whispered against her ear, and she could only nod. His lips found hers and she melted against him, as his body folded around her protruding belly.

Pam felt the baby kick, and Jim must have too, because suddenly he was still.

"What was that?" he asked, his body completely motionless. "Was that…?"

Pam grinned again and nodded, "Yup, that was the baby."

"Oh. My. God." Jim breathed and lowered his head to her stomach. He gingerly pulled the hem of her shirt up to underneath her breasts leaving her stomach completely exposed. His lips skimmed over the taut skin, sending shivers down Pam's spine. "That was amazing. How long has it been doing that?"

"First off, don't call my baby an it," Pam scolded, "and second, the baby has been kicking for about a week that I've been able to feel on the outside."

"Wow," Jim gasped, "that is amazing."

"I know," Pam agreed, "so do you want to know what the sex of the baby is?"

"I do," Jim told her, looking up into his eyes, "so…"

Pam smiled and leaned over Jim's body to where the manila envelope had fallen. She handed it to him and waited with a look of giddy anticipation as he opened it.

"It's a picture," Pam explained before he even had pulled the sheet from the yellow material, "the sonogram."

Jim studied the blurry black and white photograph, not sure he was seeing what he was supposed to. When he looked up at Pam he noticed she was struggling to control a giggle.

"What?"

"All you had to do was look at the top right hand corner," Pam said around her giggle, "it'll tell you there. You don't have to try and guess."

Jim felt the blood rush to his cheeks as he blushed, "I knew that."

"Sure you did," Pam teased, "just look would you?"

Jim finally relented and read the three little words that were printed on the white border.

**It's a girl!**

Jim's eyes darted between Pam's glowing face and the sonogram picture and then back again. Pam giggled again at his expression before pulling his face to hers in another kiss.

"You're having a girl," Jim breathed against her lips and then leaned down to her stomach again. "Hi baby girl. Mommy loves you and so do I. I can't wait to meet you, and I'm sure your mommy is excited too. You be a good girl and don't give your mom too much trouble."

"She's been fine Jim," Pam assured him, "she's moving again, not kicking, but moving."

"I can't believe it," Jim breathed, "you're pregnant, I'm moving back to Scranton, and you've agreed to marry me…"

"You know," Pam interrupted, "I think it was actually _you_ who agreed to marry _me_…"

"Same thing…"

"I'm not sure it really is."

"Oh, it is."

"Nope."

"It is."

"You're crazy."

"And yet you love me."

"Yes I do," she smiled, "and I would love you even more if you fed me."

"You and the little princess are hungry? Whatever you want, I'll get it."

"Um," Pam pulled away for a second, thinking, "I could really go for a sub, yeah…turkey with extra mustard and lettuce with salt and vinegar chips."

"I'll be right back," Jim promised, kissing the side of her head, "give me ten minutes."

"Okay," Pam agreed and reluctantly let him go. "Hurry back."

Jim nodded, grabbed his keys, and rushed out the door.

--

Pam curled into Jim's side as close as she could and forced her eyes to close so she could try and get some sleep. It wasn't working, and she was getting more and more frustrated with every passing minute.

"What's wrong?" Jim asked groggily as Pam sighed.

"I can't sleep."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"Finish out my pregnancy for me?" Pam asked as Jim looked at her with an amused look. "You think I'm joking?"

"Well…"

"Cause I'm not," Pam argued, her voice rising slightly. "I don't understand why the women have to be the ones to suffer through pregnancy. It doesn't seem fair."

"Life is hardly ever fair."

"You should probably be quiet Jim," Pam warned him with no teasing in her voice this time, "I'm not in the mood."

Jim quickly sobered up and propped himself up against his pillow, "I'm sorry Pam, I really am. Can I get you something that might make you more comfortable?"

"No," Pam replied dejectedly. "There really isn't anything you can do. I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's okay…"

"No it's not," Pam's voice wavered as she spoke, and Jim could see tears filling her eyes. "I'm horrible. You've been nothing but perfect to me tonight and I've gone and spoiled it. I'm a horrible girlfriend…"

"Fiancé," Jim automatically corrected, and Pam let out a choked sob. "Hey there Pam, please don't cry."

"Stu…stupid…hormon….hormones," Pam stammered between sobs, "I'm sorry…"

"You have nothing to apologize for sweetheart," Jim assured her, "you are carrying a baby. You have every right to be uncomfortable and upset."

"But I shouldn't take it out on you."

"It's fine…"

"No it isn't," Pam argued, "Just go to sleep. I don't want to argue right now."

"Me neither…"

"Good," Pam stated curtly. "Good night Jim."

She turned over, her back facing him, and Jim watched as her breaths started to slow down until they came in and out at an even pace. When he was assured she had finally drifted off, he slipped his arms around her and drifted into a deep sleep himself.

--

The next few weeks flew by for the couple as Jim moved back to Scanton and into Pam's small apartment. They spent their evening hours filtering through boxes of his stuff and hers, and came to a decision after the second night that they would have to find something bigger and more accommodating to set up a nursery.

The first apartment they looked at, they ended up putting their deposit down right away. It was large and roomy, in their price range, and exceptionally close to the office, which would make it easier on them when the baby came.

Things seemed to finally be in place.

After several conversations and reasoning, they agreed to keep their relationship private while he readjusted into the Scranton branch and took over as Michael's official number two.

It was hard while they were at work to not ravish each other on their desks, especially with Pam's elevated hormone levels. All bets were off when they got home though, and Pam would leap at him like a teenager in love for the first time. It was refreshing for both of them to be able to express their love for each other without any hindrances.

Pam was now only days away from her due date and at home on maternity leave. It drove her crazy to be at home all day, laying on the couch, nearly miserable, while Jim was at work. It made her giggle that no one at the office knew they were dating still, even after three months.

"Honey," Jim's voice called from the front door, "I'm home! And I brought lunch."

"My hero!" Pam called and struggled to sit up on the couch, "but I thought you weren't going to be able to come home today? Didn't Michael have some sort of lunch planned?"

"Yes," Jim said with a shudder, "but thankfully I convinced him that I wasn't needed and I had more important things to do…"

"That's what she said."

"So wrong," Jim continued without missing a beat, "and so here I am. I brought Chinese, you said last night you were craving it…"

"Perfect," Pam agreed, "and I'm glad you were able to come home. I miss you during the day."

"I know," Jim agreed as he placed the Styrofoam container in front of her, "and I miss you too. Actually, there is something I need to talk to you about."

"Okay…"

"So," Jim started again after taking a bite of his own lunch, "I was looking today at our benefits and such, and came across something I'd never seen before through Dunder-Mifflin."

"Okay…"

"It's paternity leave," Jim told her, "two full weeks, paid. I'd be able to stay at home with you and the princess, but we'd have to declare our relationship to HR. And our engagement…"

"Two full weeks?" Pam asked, her spirits rising, "Really?"

"Yup," Jim said with a smile, "starting the day you go into labor."

"Do you think we're too late to get it? I mean, I could do into labor tonight."

"I know," Jim said, "which is why I will talk to Toby today and explain everything to him. I can ask him to keep it quiet for a few days, but once I'm gone everyone will know."

"It is probably about time that we fill them in huh?" Pam asked. "It has been three months."

"It's up to you," Jim assured her. "I would love to stay home with you guys, but I don't want everyone to know if you don't."

"…Talk to Toby."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Pam assured him, "talk to Toby when you get back today. I want you to be able to stay at home with me and the baby."

"Okay."

"Okay."

They ate their Chinese food in silence for a few minutes before Pam broke the silence again.

"So," she started, "I think I've decided on a name."

"Lay it on me."

"Isabella," Pam told him, "it just sounds so girly, don't you think?"

"I like it," Jim agreed, and intertwined their fingers. "What about a middle name?"

"Um," Pam shrugged, "still not sure. I was sorta thinking Kathleen, but I don't know."

"Hum," Jim thought out loud, "Isabella Kathleen…it fits."

"Hearing you say it," Pam said, her voice catching, "it sounds perfect. Isabella Kathleen Halpert."

It was Jim's turn to stare at her dumbfounded. "Pam?"

"We're a family Jim," Pam said, kissing his cheek. "Isabella too, she deserves to have your name."

"Do you have any idea how much I love you both?" Jim asked, "because I was certain that nothing you could do would surprise me, but…"

"I love you too Jim," Pam breathed, "and I'm so thankful to have you in my life."

Jim leaned over to kiss his future bride and held her close.

Pam finally knew what her life was going to hold for her. No matter what happened she knew that Jim would be there, that they would always have each other, and their family.

She knew where she belonged.

--

**A/N: I really have enjoyed writing this story and can't wait to have the epilouge out for you guys. I hope you liked it and thank you to everyone who's read it and who's reviewed it. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Thanks again!**


	13. The End, Or Just the Beginning

**A/N: Here it is. The final installment of this story. Thank you to everyone who has read this story and all the reviews along the way. You guys have been great! I'm slowing down with with writing, things have been a little crazy around here for me. I hope you'll watch out for my next stuff, whenever I have it coming. Thanks again!**

**And a million and a half thanks to my beta Katie! You've been awesome and I've appreciated your thoughts and suggestions. This story wouldn't have come about as well with out you!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own...**

--

Pam squinted against the bright sun as she chewed on the end of her paintbrush. The canvas in front of her was nearly done, but she still felt as if it was missing something. She tapped the end of the brush against her cheek before making a few swift movements over the canvas. She set the brush down and stepped back.

_There, _she thought, _it's done, finally. I'll have Jim run it over to the gallery for me later._

Pam quickly untied the apron that covered her tattered jeans and t-shirt. Her bare feet showed her painted pink toenails off perfectly, and her diamond engagement and wedding band sparkled against the sunlight coming in from the skylight above her. She ran her hand through her messy hair, her smile beaming.

"Pam?" she heard Jim's voice call from downstairs, "are you here?"

"In the studio," she answered with a grin. "What are you doing home so early?"

"I'm the boss Pam," Jim answered as he took the steps two at a time, "We've been over this before; I can come home whenever I want now."

Pam threw her arms around his shoulders and pulled him tight, "And oh how I'm thankful for that."

"I thought you would be," Jim replied before lowering his lips to hers. "And besides, I couldn't possibly stay away from you on our anniversary."

"Oh, is that today?" Pam feigned ignorance. "I totally forgot about that."

"Yeah right," Jim laughed, "So…"

"I'm so glad you came home early," Pam breathed against his mouth. "But the kids…"

"Are at your parents' house for the weekend," Jim told her automatically. "The house is ours…"

"Come here Mr. Halpert."

"I'm right behind you Mrs. Halpert."

--

"_Pam," her sister's voice cautioned, "you can't let Bella spit up on your dress, mom would kill you."_

"_She'll be fine," Pam argued and hugged her four month older daughter close to her. "Besides, I have her burp cloth."_

"_Your wedding starts in less than twenty minutes…"_

"_I know Morgan," Pam answered, "I just want some time with my daughter before __I have to leave her__."_

"_You and Jim will only be gone for a few days…"_

"_I know," Pam replied, "but it's the first time I'm leaving her…"_

"_You know you don't have to worry about Bella with everyone around. The girl has three sets of grandparents for god's sake."_

"_It is still hard…"_

"_You and Jim deserve to have a nice honeymoon," Morgan interrupted again. "Now, promise me you won't call everyday…"_

"_I can't promise that Morgan," Pam informed her. "I already made Jim promise me that we would be able to call everyday."_

"_Your hopeless."_

"_I'm a mom," Pam argued, "give me a break."_

"_Fine," Morgan sighed, "__W__hatever. Mom and Larissa are on their way back up. Make sure that adorable niece of mine behaves and doesn't make her mommy dirty for her wedding."_

"_Jim would marry me anyways," Pam declared happily, "even if I had spit up on my dress."_

"_Yes," Morgan agreed, "but I think everyone would agree it would be better if you didn't have puke all down the front of you."_

_Pam just shrugged__, a smile permanently etched onto her face. I__t was her wedding day__,__ and nothing was going to take away her happiness now._

_--_

She couldn't believe that they had been married for fifteen years already. It felt as if their wedding day was last week sometimes. She smiled as she draped herself against Jim's bare chest. She was just in love him with today as she had been when she met him at the altar all those years ago.

"What are you thinking about?" Jim's deep voice interrupted her thoughts. "My overly-sexy body?"

"Oh heavens, yes," Pam drawled in her best imitation of a southern belle. "That and our wedding day."

Jim chuckled, "I'll never forget when Bella spit up all over your sister. I thought she was going to have a heart attack."

"I know," Pam agreed and laughed at the memory herself. "At least it happened after the ceremony and pictures."

"I think Morgan would have held it over Bella's head for the rest of her life."

"Probably," Pam quickly replied. "Morgan still loves her anyways."

"Your sister does spoil them, huh?"

"It's probably because she never had kids herself." Pam said, "but I'm glad our brood doesn't mind filling in every once and awhile."

"Nope," Jim chuckled again, "they sure don't. Jordan is thrilled that she and Jake promised to take him to a Giants game next month."

"He sure has been talking about that trip a lot lately huh?"

"He's telling everyone he runs into," Jim reminded her. "You would think he'd won the lottery or something."

"Well to any twelve year old boy, it's pretty much the same thing."

"I guess you're right."

"You know I always am."

"You know," Jim started tracing a random pattern on her back, "I think I'm starting to understand where our daughters get their sarcastic remarks from?"

"You are really trying to blame me for that?"

"Where else would Bella and Emily learn it?"

"You are the one you told Jordan and Caleb to put frogs in their sisters' beds last week."

"Harmless prank."

"I don't think the girls thought so. Emily couldn't sleep in her bed for a week."

"I know," Jim assured her, "I didn't realize it would bother her so much. Isabella was so different at this age. Emily is much more like you in that manor. Shy, I mean. Which isn't bad, but I didn't think we'd ever be able to leave her kindergarten room when we dropped her off there. She was terrified. You did help the girls get us back though."

Pam smirked, "We did, didn't we? And she's only five Jim, give her a break."

"I think the chocolate chip cookies, minus the actual chocolate chips won't be forgotten anytime soon. The boys are scarred for life. And I know how fragile Emily is, that is why I've made the boys ease up on her."

"I'm thankful for that, you know. They love their little sister, I know that…they just need to realize that she is much younger than them. And besides," Pam shrugged, "it was just a little bit of dog food."

"We know that - **now**!"

"You have to admit, it was pretty good."

"I will never."

"You just don't like it when we give it back."

"I still can't believe that we didn't check closer," Jim sighed, "you would think as three intelligent men…"

"You do realize you are talking about our twelve and ten year old sons…"

Jim thought for a moment, "okay, you're right. They'd eat almost anything you set in front of them without question."

"You too…"

"Not anymore. I make sure to check everything ya'll make for us twice. I never know what might show up next time."

Pam chuckled and laid her head back down against his heart. The rhythmic beating of it soothed her. She snuggled into his chest again and paced her breathing with his. They lay there, still, just breathing together for a while, before either spoke again.

"Pam," Jim started quietly, "I'm so happy you are here with me right now."

Pam choked up, tears threatening to spill over, "me too, Jim. I wouldn't trade our life for anything in the world."

"Even with all the bumps along the way."

"Even with the bumps."

--

"_Pam," Jim called into the house, his voice heavy, "Pam, honey were are you?"_

"_In the kitchen," she answered, her own voice sounding different, off._

_Jim set down his briefcase and took a deep breath before continuing on to the kitchen where he could hear the sounds of his family. A family he was now not __so__ sure how he would provide for __anymore__._

"_Daddy!" Bella and Jordan called from their seats at the table. "You're home!"_

"_Hey guys," Jim greeted his two oldest kids with a fake smile, "Where is your brother?"_

_Both kids shrugged and turned their attention back to their __schoolbooks__ on the table so Jim turned to Pam, eyebrows raised in question._

"_He went next door to the Keller's to play with David__,__ since he didn't have any homework tonight."_

"_Ah," Jim nodded, "got it. So, how was your day?"_

_His voice sounded fake, even to his own ears, and he could tell Pam had already picked up on it._

"_It was pretty good," she answered hesitantly, "did some more paintings after I took the kids to school. I also had lunch with Brenda today. They were in town visiting Kenny."_

"_How are they?" Jim asked, "It's been awhile since we've seen them."_

"_I know," Pam nodded, "they are only in town for a few days, which is why I took them up on their offer of watching the kids for us tonight so we can go out for a little while. You don't mind, do you?"_

"_Of course not," Jim answered automatically and probably a little too fast he realized, "It's good for them to be able to spend time with Bella."_

"_I know Bella misses them more than she lets on," Pam looked over to the table before finishing in a much quieter voice. "They are her only real tie to…"_

"_I know," Jim interrupted much more quickly than he intended. He wasn't sure if he could do that tonight._

"_Jim, are you okay?"_

"_I'm fine," he answered and forced another smile. "I'm just not feeling too great right now__. I__t was a hard day. I'm going to lie down for __a while__. Wake me when Brenda and Craig get here and I'll take my beautiful wife out to dinner."_

"_Sounds good," Pam agreed with a smile and quick kiss on the cheek. "I love you."_

"_Love you too."_

_Later that night as they strolled hand in hand down the streets of downtown Scranton they were both oddly quiet. The little noise from the street was the only thing breaking the silence._

"_Jim," Pam broke the silence hesitantly, "I have to tell you something."_

_Jim looked down at her face, his eyes asking the question his voice didn't. Pam ran her free hand through her hair before tucking a stray piece behind her ear._

"_I had a doctor's appointment today too."_

_Jim's face displayed the concern he voiced only seconds later, "__W__hat's wrong? Are you okay?"_

"_I'm fine," Pam promised and let her hand drift down to her stomach for a moment. "We both are."_

"_We both are?" Jim mimicked and then reality dawned on him as his eyes darted between her stomach and her eyes. "You…we're…are you serious?"_

"_We're pregnant again Jim," Pam beamed. "I'm six weeks along."_

_Jim cradled his head in his hands and murmured, "__O__h my god. Oh my god, pregnant."_

"_Jim?"_

"_And of course this news would come today," he mumbled, "of all days.__"_

"_Jim, what's wrong?" Pam asked. "What happened today?"_

"_Everything," Jim answered simply and pulled her over to a bench. "I got a call from Wallace today…"_

"_Jim?"_

"_The company's done Pam," Jim finished, "they are closing us all down. Completely. There will no longer be a Dunder-Mifflin Inc."_

"_But I thought company was doing well," Pam questioned, "I thought things were looking up."_

"_So did we all," he answered. "It came as a shock to everyone."_

"_Oh Jim," Pam leaned her head against his shoulder, "everything is going to be okay."_

"_I don't know about that Pam," Jim told her honestly, "I have no idea what I'm going to __do.__ There isn't anything really around here…and you're pregnant again…"_

"_Well," Pam started, "we've been talking about moving forever, I guess now is as good as time as ever."_

"_How are we going to afford that__?__ I've got two weeks left at the office then it is __goodbye__ work and __goodbye__ paycheck. __ And, w__e can't __exactly__ live off your designing paychecks. Which is fine, we weren't supposed to be able to."_

"_Jim…"_

"_I'm a failure," Jim ranted, ignoring Pam completely for several moments. "How in the world am I supposed to support my family__?__ And now, with another baby on the way…I don't know what to do Pam__.__ I've been working for that stupid company for how long and all the sudden they are done, just like that? Some thanks…"_

"_Jim, you have to calm down."_

"_I'm sorry Pam," Jim said quietly, "I really am. I'm just having a hard time processing all of this. I'm happy about the baby, I really am. I know, we've wanted another one for so long…"_

"_Don't worry," she stated again, "we'll go home tonight and update your resume. Take a look around some websites and see what some other locations have to offer. You've always wanted to live in Philly. And we've got time to get ready for the baby. Please don't stress about this."_

"_But your family is here…"_

"_And Philly isn't that far away," Pam reasoned, "__C__ome on. We can move a couple hours away. It won't kill them. Besides, this might give them a reason to get out of Scranton __once in a while__."_

"_I'm so sorry Pam."_

"_Oh Jim, honey, you don't have to apologize for loosing your job," Pam assured him, threading her arms around his neck, "this day has been looming over us for nearly twenty years."_

"_That isn't what I meant," Jim said and pressed his lips to hers, "I'm sorry for the way I reacted to your news. I really am excited."_

"_I know," Pam told him with a smile, "now, come on. Let's get home and get that resume updated. We've got a job search to do."_

_--_

That had been a hard year for them. Pam had her hardest pregnancy and the doctors told her it would have to be her last. She had at first been heartbroken, but after a week in their new house with all four kids she thought the number was perfect.

Jim was hired almost right away to a sales firm in Philadelphia that advertised for sports equipment. He fit right into his job and within two years had been promoted several times.

"You know," Jim interrupted her thoughts and broke the silence, "Bella has been begging me to take her driving…"

"Jim…"

"She has to learn sometime Pam," Jim argued, "You can't keep her at ten forever you know?"

"But I've been trying so hard!"

"That's what she said."

"James Halpert!" Pam cried, "I can't believe you would pull that right now. I'm in the middle of a mid-life crisis."

"Sweetheart," Jim chuckled as he pulled her closer, "she's fifteen, she has her permit, and she wants to learn. Don't you remember being that age?"

"Yes."

"If you want, you can take her out driving."

"Oh no!" Pam exclaimed, "I'd have a heart attack. There is no way I could do it. And I suppose you are right. She does need to learn."

"I'll give her the good news when your mom drops the kids off tomorrow."

"She's going to be thrilled," Pam said dejectedly. "I can't believe she's fifteen already. I mean, it seems like just yesterday she was born."

"It's been a good, long road for us, hasn't it?"

"The best," Pam agreed with a grin.

"And to think we've got at least another forty or fifty years in front of us."

"I couldn't think of anyone better to grow old with Halpert," Pam said. "Though, it might help if you actually picked up the towels in the bathroom when you were done with them."

Jim pressed a kiss to Pam's temple, "Well Beesly, I can't help it that I've got habits that just won't die."

"Well," Pam started, "I guess I'll just have to keep trying. Forty or fifty years you think?"

"I know."

"Then I think by then we can get you trained properly."

Pam cuddled closer to her husband, fitting nicely into his side, before drifting back off to sleep with a smile on her face.

--

**A/N: Again, thanks so much! Let me know how you liked the ending. I love hearing from ya'll! Have a great night and a fun and safe Halloween!**


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